Jokes

[ftwbolt]

10. Shes a goblin

9. Id like to get a little something in the sack.

8. Let me see your bag....OH-Youre having a great night

7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.

6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch

5. If you just lick it, itll last longer.

4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts.

3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,

2. You scared me stiff

1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor

[Chargeroo]

Bubba, while not a brilliant scholar, was
a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew
and soon people from all over the country
were coming to Fort Worth for his paintings.

One day, a beautiful young woman
pulled up to his house in a stretch limo.
She asked Bubba if he would paint her in
the nude.

This was the first time anyone had
made this request. The beautiful lady
said money was no object; she was
willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with
his wife, Bubba asked the lady to wait
while he went in the house and conferred
with BettyJo, his wife (and first cousin).

In a few minutes he returned and said
to the lady, "Okay, I'll paint ya
nekkid, but I'll have ta leave my socks
on, so's I can have sumplace to wipe
my brushes..."

[ftwbolt]

Hurricane Survival Kit:

Toilet paper.......................................check

Bud Light..........................................che ck

Keystone Ice.....................................check

Budweiser........................................c heck

Red Dog............................................che ck

Misc. alcohol.....................................check

Piece of plywood to float your chick and booze on...check

>> Next time, let's all be more prepared ...

[PaCkMaN]

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[ftwbolt]

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.

6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter or margarine
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (Orville Redenbacher's Low Fat)

Salt/pepper to taste. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Bake until you hear the popping sounds. When the chicken's butt blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it's done.

And, you thought I couldn't cook. Would you like my baked bean recipe? I tried this recipe and it works great, especially after you go to bed that night. It gives off the aroma in the bedroom of cabbage and beer from the night before, makes a great hit with the spouse. Try putting their head under the covers as a test to see if they still love you, if they fight to get out, the honeymoon is over. :D

[Shamrock]

Miss Granny was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon, early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her parlor. He took a seat while she prepared some tea. As he sat facing her old pump organ, the minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. Floating in the water, of all things, was a condom. Imagine his shock! Surely Miss Granny had flipped! But he felt he couldn't mention the strange sight in her parlor.
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and the floating item, but soon it got to him, he could resist no longer.

"Miss Granny, I wonder if you could tell me about this?" he said pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know.... I haven't had a cold all winter."

[Shamrock]

A Golfer's Deal With the Devil

A golfer was having a tough day and in his frustration he blurted out, "I would give anything for a birdie on this hole."

A stranger walked out of the woods beside the hole and whispered to the golfer, "If you give up one quarter of your sex life, I will guarantee you make this shot." The golfer agreed and made the shot for birdie.

A few holes later, he was having trouble again. "Please, let me make this for eagle" he said.

Again, the stranger stepped up to him and said, "If you give up another quarter of your sex life, you will make eagle."

"You're on," the golfer said, and made the shot for eagle.

On the eighteenth hole, the golfer needed another eagle to win. The stranger again stepped up and said "If you give up the last half of your sex life, you will make eagle to win."

"OK," the golfer eagerly agreed, and made his shot for eagle, winning the round.

As he was walking back to the clubhouse, the stranger walked up beside him and said, "I think I should inform you that I am the Devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

The golfer turned to him, smiled, and said, "Nice to meet you, my name is Father O'Malley!"

[HBBoltGirl]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

let me guess you're happily married.. lol:p

[chargerman_9_21]

One day in class the Teacher asked the kids what there favorite football :Football: team was. Little sally raised her hand and said the "San Diego Chargers :Helmet: of course". the Teacher asked "why"? she said " Well my dad and mom are Chargers :Helmet: fans ,so i am a Chargers :Bolt: fan". The Teacher wanted to see where he could go with this , so he said " let me see if i have this right, what ever your Dad and Mom is, that makes you what you are"? "well i guess" she said. so the teacher said, "what if your dad was a drug dealer and your mom was a crack whore, what would that make you ? "well" little sally said, "that would make me a Oakland Raider fan"

[ftwbolt]

An older, grey haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday
evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller he was
looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and
showed it to him.

The older man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something
very special."

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the
jeweller said.The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with
excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by
cheque. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write
it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll
pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very annoyed jeweller phoned the old man.

There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

[chargertom]

The preacher stopped by one of his elderly parishioners houses to check on her, since she had been feeling ill. She greeted him at the door, and welcomed him into the house.

They sat in the living room, and he inquired as to her health. She told him she was feeling better, and asked if he would like some tea. When she went to make it, he sat in the living room alone.

The preacher hadn't ate since breakfast, and it was close to 1 pm. She came back with the tea, and they shared it, and talked. Hungrier than ever, the preacher spied a bowl of peanuts on the piano. He asked if he could have some. She seemed delighted as she told him to help himself.

The preacher took the bowl and placed it on the table. As they talked, he continued eating the peanuts, and drinking his tea.

After another hour had passed, the preacher went to grab another handful of peanuts, and noticed that the bowl was empty.

He told the lady "I'm so sorry, sister. I have eaten all your peanuts."

The old lady smiled, and said, "That's okay. I've misplaced my dentures again, so all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off them." :D

Go Chargers! :Bolt:

[grumpynat]

What do a tampon and the Oakland Raiders have in common?:Football:

They are only good for one period and don't have a second string.:Helmet:

(Insert any hated team above)

[IgorUnchained]

A young guy from Montana moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Montana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The young man replied without hesitating, "One."

The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid said, "$101,237.64."

The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"

the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."

Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"

"No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"

[SillyBoltsFan]

Little Johnny was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the
children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers
came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, etc... Little Johnny was being
uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his
father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his
clothes in front of other men."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took Little Johnny aside to ask
him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"Heck no," said Little Johnny, "He plays for the Raiders, but I was too
embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[BCBoltFan]

LOL... these last 2 jokes are excellent! "Your weekends shot", great stuff!
And little johnny strikes again... classic!

[IgorUnchained]

BC and Silly, I am a fan of the Dirty/Little Johnny jokes too. Unfortunately most of my faves arent suitable for this forum....but this one is suitable.

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it,Johnny replies, "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr.Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"


Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well,we've been lucky so far...."

[BCBoltFan]

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out,"Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!"

The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "Urinate, but if you had bigger boobs, you'd be a ten."



PS- Foo Fighters on SNL tonite.

[IgorUnchained]

What do a tampon and the Oakland Raiders have in common?:Football:

They are only good for one period and don't have a second string.:Helmet:

(Insert any hated team above)


Here is how I heard it:

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS - They're only good for one period and have no second string!


BTW- I like the Johnny joke BC....and I saw Foo Fighers on SNL.:Beer:

http://img495.imageshack.us/img495/5285/dancinspidey0oc.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[BCBoltFan]

Here is how I heard it:

The NFL announced today in a press conference that one team from the league needed to be eliminated. What officials have decided to do is combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team therefore saving jobs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS - They're only good for one period and have no second string!


BTW- I like the Johnny joke BC....and I saw Foo Fighers on SNL.:Beer:

http://img495.imageshack.us/img495/5285/dancinspidey0oc.gif (http://imageshack.us)
Kewl... the Foo's ripped pretty good! I just missed their august show in Vancouver with Weezer and Sloan, was returning from Silverwood the day of the show... bummer. The FM station I listen to here plays a lot of Foo tunes, and Weezer and Sloan.

I like your usage of the interesting and entertaining gif's in your posts. I use some a bit my self and I'll start using them more now too. We can have sort of a non-competitive gif off!
http://gifs.bestgraph.com/gastronomie/bieres/bieres-09.gif

[BCBoltFan]

It was a sunny morning, a little before 8 am, on the first hole of a busy course and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the club house loud speaker.
“Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men’s tee please.”

I could feel every eye on the course looking at me.
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption.

Again the announcement, “Would the MAN on the LADIES tee kindly back up to the men’s tee.”
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, “WOULD THE MAN ON THE LADIES TEE BACK UP TO THE MEN’S TEE PLEASE!”

I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back…
“WOULD THE ASS HOLE WITH THE MICROPHONE KINDLY SHUT THE HELL UP AND LET ME PLAY MY SECOND SHOT!”
http://gifs.bestgraph.com/sports/golf/golf-12.gif

[ftwbolt]

A blond lady motorist was two hours from San Diego, -- when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.
The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blond, "do you need a lift?"
"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already, so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you fifty dollars for your trouble."
"I'd be happy to," said the blond.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blond's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blond walking down the street, -- holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of the crowd.
With a screech of his brakes the truck driver pulled his truck off the road, got out, and ran over to the blond. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you fifty dollars to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."
"Yes, I know you did," said the blond, but we had money left over, -- so we went to the movies

[IgorUnchained]

Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so," said the foreman, "He got out three times to go to the men's room."

[ftwbolt]

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided
to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.


--- Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."


--- The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.


--- Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?


--- I've sure gotten old.! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license....



--- An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

---My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


--- Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


--I'm getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.


---It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker


---These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."


---Don't think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.


---Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up.!


--- Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.


- --THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[Totally Bolted]

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display and the boy
asks, "What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-fact replies, "Those are
called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've
heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3
and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys, ONE
for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks,
"Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for
Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he
asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied,
"Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for
February, ONE for March....."

[TD4LT]

183 florists walk into a bar
the bartender says "sorry i dont serve florists"
the florists say "cumon we only wanted a bud"....

"can you hold these cups of coffee for me, becareful they are hottttt"
(man gives two imaginary cups of coffee to someone who holds them with both his hands)
"o ya by the way what time is it"
(the holder of the cups turns his wrist to look at the watch)
"burrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrned"

[ftwbolt]

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. They found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action. A substitute was put into the game and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, "Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year."

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, "That's the strangest way I ever heard of for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept."

[ftwbolt]

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my ****ing clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)

[IgorUnchained]

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

That's great.


:Beer:
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1965."

Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

[IgorUnchained]

A rough looking bucko walked into a tavern in Memphis. He looked the crowd over and stated, "I'm the toughest guy in this town. Yes, the fightin-est gent in this state. In fact, I am the toughest guy in the world."

With that, a little, sawed-off, high yellow gent, hauled off and socked the big boy on the chin, knocking him unconscious against a hot stove.

When the tough guy came to, dopey, he glanced at the little fellow that let him have it and asked, "Who are you?"

The little fellow replied, "Me? I'm the guy you thought you were when you came in here."

[IgorUnchained]

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A blonde girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the blonde girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

http://img484.imageshack.us/img484/8192/mainkick7pefex1bu.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[Chargeroo]

World's Thinnest Books
~~@~~


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HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
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MY BEAUTY SECRETS
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HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
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MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
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THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
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MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
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THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
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MY WILD YEARS
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AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC





AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS




DETROIT: a Travel Guide





A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
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ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
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GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
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THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY





MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson



Bridge Travel
by Ted Kennedy




And the world's Number One Thinnest Book



MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson

[Chargeroo]

CLEAN JOKES

You may remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days,
viz., Shecky Green, Red Buttons, Dotie Fields, Myron Cohen, Milton Berle, Henny Youngman, and others? You've probably heard of them before, but don't you miss their humor?

Not one single swear word in their comedy.

* There was a beautiful young woman knocking on my hotel room door all night! I finally had to let her out.

* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you
comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to
the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife
ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it.
The thief spends less than my wife did.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night, only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife
called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the
estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm
still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

* The doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM
60!" Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks,
"Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

* Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way. A little wine, a little dinner, you know?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been
brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."

* A bum asked a Jewish fellow, "Give me $10 till payday." The Jewish fellow responded, "When's payday?" The bum said, "I don't know! You're the one that's working!"

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? ........ They're worth it.

* Why do Jewish men die before their wives? ......... They want to.

* I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind
of work he's out of.

[ftwbolt]

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow in trees then why do banks have branches?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts?" Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!"

Or watch a white thing come out a chicken behind and think, "that ought to taste good."

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for you license, are you going to be smiling?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?

[Shamrock]

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

I love when I hear people say they don't like Classical music and don't know any Classical music.

Guess who wrote Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star ?

[mtxsound]

I love when I hear people say they don't like Classical music and don't know any Classical music.

Guess who wrote Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star ?

The music was from Mozart, but the words came from Jane Taylor. Sorry i took too many music classes in college.

[Chargeroo]

The music was from Mozart, but the words came from Jane Taylor. Sorry i took too many music classes in college.If you knew that without looking it up, your way to into music! Way, way too much! :)

[ftwbolt]

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called
her into office and said, 'You graduated from University of Texas and I
need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would
you take off?"

"Everything but my earrings."

(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

================================================== ======

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the
day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the
weight of an 8-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the
trail," the successful hunter replied.
"You left Henry lying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter.&a mp;n bsp; "But I figured no one is going to
steal Henry!"

================================================== ======

A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over heard saying, "When
the end of the world comes, I hope to be back in Oklahoma "

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there 20 years later
than in the rest of the civilized world.

================================================== ======

An Aggie came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba,
somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The Aggie answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
================================================== ======

NEWS FLASH! -

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat Cessna 150 plane,
piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into a College Station cemetery
earlier today. Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far
and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The
pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

================================================== ======

A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

================================================== ======

A Texan had a flat tire, pulle d off on the side of the road, and
proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he
turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you to put flares
in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it either.

================================================== =====

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer.

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his
upturned face, "W it hout You, we are but dust ."

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very obedient little
girl (who was listening carefully for a change) leaned over to her mother
and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is
butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

[ftwbolt]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet
shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his
wife.

The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which
could sing famous Christmas carols.

This seemed like the perfect gift.

"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked,
excitedly.

"Simply hold a lighted match directly under his
feet." was the shop owner's reply.

The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's
left foot.

Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..."
The shop owner then held another match under the
parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the
air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the
shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with
Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was
overwhelmed.

"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?"

"No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me
show you."

So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it
under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown
him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle
bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot,
and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked,
"What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"

The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered,
eager to please his wife.

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs.

Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat,
and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the
performance of his life:


"Chet's Nuts roasting on an open fire"

[Blitz_56]

After walking into his house, a guy realizes his wife is pissed. It seems this is the 2nd year in a row he’s forgotten their anniversary. The wife gets up and says, “You’re a real a**hole, all I know is that when I get up in the morning, there better be something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in less than 2 seconds!” and she walks up to the bedroom and slams the door. The next morning the wife awakens and looks outside and wouldn’t you know, there’s a box in the driveway. So she runs down stairs, out into the driveway and opens up the box and finds a scale!!!

[Shamrock]

If you knew that without looking it up, your way to into music! Way, way too much! :)
I knew it without looking it up.

Classical Music Rocks !!! :)

[ftwbolt]

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pit bulls, they've just been wormed."

[ftwbolt]

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blonde Caller: "On page 1, section 5 of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning.
Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

----------------------------------------------------

A Living Will


A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of his beer.

[Chargeroo]

Little Kevin was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Kevin was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to
the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Kevin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

No," said Kevin, "He plays for the Raiders, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[Nutz-N-Boltz]

Little Kevin was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children
what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up:
fireman, policeman, salesman, etc. Kevin was being uncharacteristically
quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in
front of other men. Sometimes, if the offers really good, he'll go out to
the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."


The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other
children to work on some coloring, and took little Kevin aside to ask him,
"Is that really true about your father?"

No," said Kevin, "He plays for the Raiders, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."





OMG this is my favorite joke of all time!!!!!

Thanks Chargeroo

Peace Out

[ftwbolt]

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots,
leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.


2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt
scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You
can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares
that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn
into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for
me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!


3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your
mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.


4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports
car with an automatic transmission.


5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other
people's food for free. Lots of it.


6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.


7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near
them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them
behind, you're never going to see them again.


8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or,
if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have
three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?


9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some
standards.


10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.


Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.


Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly
used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO"

[ftwbolt]

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE...... The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you

[Chargeroo]

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can
die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and *****. If you see him without
an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person
to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky...not really good for anything, but
you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals
dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the
world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006 -
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Homeland
Security.

[dave4colts]

I love Steven Wright (known to the younger generation as "the guy on the couch")-- here are a couple others I remember.

I want to tie a piece of toast, buttered side up, on the back of a cat and then drop it.

I bought a brand new phone, brought it home, hit "redial" and I went back in time.

All of my house plants are dead......I shot them.

Why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?

A guy asked me if I knew what time it was, I said "yes, but not right now"

Anyone who likes Steven Wright should check out Mitch Hedburg.....very funny in the same way.

Whan I was a kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...
...eventually

[dave4colts]

Why is Santa so jolly?










'Cause he knows where the naughty girls live!

[frimples]

Hi, Charger fans! :Helmet: :Bolt: :21: Why is six afraid of seven? Because seven eight nine. :p

[boltbacker_ed]

This old couple were sitting around the table for breakfast. Martha being the wife said " Harold my breasts are just as warm for you as they were when we first met". Harold replied " Of course they are Martha one is sitting in your oatmeal and the other one is in your coffee".

[ftwbolt]

Inside every older lady is a younger lady -- wondering what the hell

happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong-



Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut

her up with cookies.



The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-



I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray

eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-



Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-



A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

-Carrie Snow-



Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your

girlfriends.

-Laurie Kuslansky-



My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my

head against the wall until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-



Old age ain't no place for sissies.

-Bette Davis-



A man's got to do what a man's got to do! A woman must do what he can't.

-Rhonda Hansome-



The phrase "working mother" is redundant

-Jane Sellman-



Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



Whatever women must do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought

half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-



Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body

starts falling apart.

-Caryn Leschen-



I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me

at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-



If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible

warning.

-Catherine-



When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years

before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME

slow.

-Kathy Buckley-



I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not

dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.

-Dolly Parton-



If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.

-Sue Grafton-



I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-



When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping. Men invade

another country..

-Elayne Boosler-



Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

-Maryon Pearson-



In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything

done, ask a woman.

-Margaret Thatcher-



I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a

career.

-Gloria Steinem-



I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his

house..

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-



Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.

-Eleanor Roosevelt-

[BCBoltFan]

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[TJ21]

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”
NICE :D (ten charecters)

[Chargeroo]

The value of a drink "Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shameThen I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.



Then I sayto myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell
happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking



than most people.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?I think not."
~ Stephen Wrigh! t



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.



-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Chargeroo]

"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in! a can!~Dave Howell




WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:



"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalocan only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And whenthe herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest onesat the back that are killed first This natural selection isgood for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by theregular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as theslowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as weknow, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[Chargeroo]

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

[jack123]

I Don't Know that Is there any way to Search this Bulletin with synonym words instead of exact words.
I searched for synonym words in http://www.google.com (http://www.google.com) and
http://www.boardexplorer.com (http://www.boardexplorer.com) and I found this Bulletin.
However inside the site I could not find any smart search. you should know exact words to find similar topics
any Idea?

[TJ21]

How many Broncos fans does it take to bake a cake?
Haha, it's a trick question, Broncos fans don't have the cabality of thinking or any range of motion, because their stupid... and fat. :confused:

I'm going to bed now... :o

[ftwbolt]

A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had
reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly,
she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket
only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the
million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following
species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs
in the nests of other birds? Is it
A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo;
or D) the vulture?"

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And
she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline
and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her
Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she
would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew
would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no
alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the
four choices. The blonde responded unhesitatingly:

"That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She
considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer
except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her
friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On
the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such
certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

"I need an answer," said Regis.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.

"Yes, that is my final answer."

Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you
that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her
family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the
million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the
contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question,
I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the
assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go
with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right
answer?"

"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody know s that
cuckoos don't build nests.............they live in clocks."

[ftwbolt]

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky

clouded

above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you

have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."



The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can

ride over anytime I want."



The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. think of the enormous



challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to

reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would

take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,

but it is hard

for

me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that

would honor and glorify me."



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord,

I

wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what

she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she

cries,

what

she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman

truly happy."



The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?

[ftwbolt]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished
to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a
television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote with you when you shop?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wa! x, pour it onto
your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a
spider.

MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential
that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."
He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's
Pillsbury, isn't it? (Ouch, wrong answer!)


WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to
concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked
sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

W O R D S
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a
day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat
everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid
and so beautiful all at the same time."

The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you
would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted
to you!

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the
coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and! besides, it is in the Bible
that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him
at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

The Silent Treatment
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next
day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it
where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and
he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his
wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM...time to wake up."

[Totally Bolted]

LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
_______________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She
starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
_______________________________________
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
_______________________________________
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me ... I know we've been friends for a long time ...but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_______________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Heck," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
______________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few
more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, crap, am I driving?"

[Totally Bolted]

Subject: The Bear, The Pope & Politics .......
The Pope took a couple of days off to visit the Rocky Mountains for some sight-seeing. He was cruising along the campground in the Pope mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. A helpless Democrat, wearing sandals, shorts, a "Save the Whales" / "Bush Lied" T-shirt and a tree hugger hat, was screaming while struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.

As the Pope watched horrified, a group of Republican loggers came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum into the bear's chest. The other two reached up and pulled the bleeding unconscious Democrat from the bear's grasp.Then using long clubs, the three loggers finished off the bear and two of them threw it onto the bed of their truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they prepared to leave, the Pope summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard there was a bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one of the loggers asked his buddies "Who was that guy?" "It was the Pope", another replied, "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting! By the way, is the bait holding up, or do we need to go back to town and snatch another one?"

[Chargeroo]

It's hard to kiss the lips at night, that chew your ass out all day long.

[Totally Bolted]

It's hard to kiss the lips at night, that chew your ass out all day long.

OMG that's funny!

[Sriprachandr]

Why doesn't Los Angeles have a football team?

Because if Los Angeles gets one, Oakland will want one too.

How do Raider fans count to ten?

0-1, 0-2, 0-3... 0-10.

[Shamrock]

Why doesn't Los Angeles have a football team?

Because if Los Angeles gets one, Oakland will want one too.

How do Raider fans count to ten?

0-1, 0-2, 0-3... 0-10.Classic !


How do you keep Raiders fans off your front lawn? Put goalposts on it.

[Sriprachandr]

Classic !


How do you keep Raiders fans off your front lawn? Put goalposts on it.Football jokes are great, because you can change a few words to clown on any team you want.

[Chargeroo]

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in similar but less serious state.
The Marine was conscious and alert and, as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, while coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to
him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife, scumbag; and he yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses
and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited woman!"
He retaliated by yelling, "Oh, yeah? Well, so does Hillary Clinton!"
"And, there we were, standing in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

[pete985]

A seven year old boy at the centre of a courtroom drama in a California Courthouse this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have legal custody of the juvenile.

The boy has a history of being beaten repeatedly by both parents and the judge had previously awarded custody to the boy's aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and refused to live there.

When the judge then suggested that he be placed with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more severely than anyone. The judge, in an unprecedented ruling, dramatically allowed the boy, in spite of his youth and obvious inexperience, to make his own choice as to who should have legal guardianship over him.

In front of a packed and cheering courtroom this morning, custody was subsequently granted to the Oakland Raiders as the boy stated his firm belief that they are, in point of fact, not capable of beating anyone.

[pete985]

A recently published survey has revealed that 90% of Raiders fans have had sex in the shower.
The other 10% have yet to go to prison

[mk87]

(delete if was posted before)

20 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN FOOTBALL BUT AREN'T.
20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He's off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It's a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start pounding.
14. He's gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line).
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He's got great hands.

[ftwbolt]

One of the local television stations in SouthLouisiana actually
aired
an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.


The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the
blackwoman how such total
and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their
lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about allthose
other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years.


We gets our chicken from Popeye's".
?The look on the interviewer's face was priceless!!

[Podium]

One of the local television stations in SouthLouisiana actually
aired
an interview with a black woman from New Orleans.


The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the
blackwoman how such total
and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their
lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied," I don't know about allthose
other people, but we haven't gone to churches in years.


We gets our chicken from Popeye's".
?The look on the interviewer's face was priceless!!

Haha that's a good one. I like Church's actually!

[Totally Bolted]

A recently published survey has revealed that 90% of Raiders fans have had sex in the shower.
The other 10% have yet to go to prison

Classic! LOL

[ftwbolt]

NO CHEATING!


Take a look, and see if you can choose the right penny. No cheating;
do not look at a real penny first- I know you've seen a real one!
See if you can pick the correct one here.
Click on the line below to take the test.

http://www.exploratorium.edu/exhibits/common_cents/index.html

[ftwbolt]

Corporate Lesson 1 :

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel,"
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.
"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2:

A priest offered a lift to a Nun.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand.
But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."
Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Corporate Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk.
"I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse,
an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 4:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.
A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"
The crow answered: "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested.
A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

Corporate Lesson 5:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull$h*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there

[Boltz2175]

-Four men are sitting in a very small submarine tracking enemy movement.
-The Captain (sitting in the front) spots and enemy submarine and sends a message....Fire Torpedo One.... back to his first mate who sends it back to the second mate who sends it back to the third (and final) mate.
-The third mate asks "what button do i push" and captain angrily yells the red one.
-The Captain then sends another message...Fire Torpedo Two...and the message is relayed back to the third mate who replies again...what button do i push?
-The Captain is furious with his ignorance and threatens that if he messes up anymore he will shoot himself from all the stress!
-The third mate blows the job once again and the captain shoots himself.
-The first and second mates realize they dont know how to operate the submarine and panic and shoot themselves.
-The third mate stares in awe....grabs his gun...looks at it....and says...WHAT BUTTON DO I PUSH!?!?!:confused:

[Boltfan219]

This is a really dumb one that I made up:
What do you do if you fear CHANGE?






write a check!

[BCBoltFan]

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 am for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am”. He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning , the man woke up, only to discover that it was 8:00 am and he had missed his flight. Furious , he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It’s 5:00 am. Wake up”!

[Boltfan92153]

If Lil jon had a cooking show, what would it be called?

Lil Jon and the YEASTside boys!

[ftwbolt]

Don't mess with these ladies

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket,
and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a
beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Let's go for stupid

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She
asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Caught for speeding

The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his
way without a ticket.

Stuck under a bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up
that reads "low bridge ahead."
Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets
stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and
walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says,
"Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this
bridge and ran out of gas."


Drunk?

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on
the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're
obviously drunk".
The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm
drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go." Obviously
relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a
cripple."

Dealing with trouble

A deputy police officer responded to a report of a barroom
disturbance. The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and
weighed almost 300 pounds.
What's more, he boasted that he could whip the deputy and
Muhammad Ali too. Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape
artist-probably better than Houdini." The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the deputy continued, "you could show us
how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs.
Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four
minutes. "I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the deputy asked. The fellow tried again.
"Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the deputy, "you're under arrest."

Too Late

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car
parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along,
he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here
at 2 A.M.?" asked the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." The man said.
"And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop
asked. "My wife," said the man.

[BCBoltFan]

Success

At age 4 success is… not peeing your pants
At age 12 success is…having friends
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license
At age 35 success is…having money
At age 50 success is…having money
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license
At age 75 success is…having friends
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants

[ftwbolt]

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!"and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some
woman wanting to know if the coast is clear,"

,.-:* ` *:-.,_,-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde
says, "Here, let me see!"

So the first blonde hands her the compact.

The second one looks in the mirror and says,

"You dummy, it's me!"

-_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out
and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she
opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the
blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and
as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts
it to her head. The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The
blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She
proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says,
"OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh,
that's easy: W."

_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

FIFTH DEGREE

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?

:_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-,_,.-:*

SIXTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US

government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what

Roe v. Wade was about.

Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision

George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:* ` *:-.,_,.-:*

SEVENTH DEGREE

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked

and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,

patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached

the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch,

shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my

possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

They send me a BLIND policeman."

[Totally Bolted]

CHINESE PROVERBS

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

Panties not best thing on earth! But next to best thing on earth.

War does not determine who is right ; war determine who is left.

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

[Boltfan92153]

that is funny proverbs, I wish they had that stuff in fortune cookies.

[TheNextOne]

What do you call a mexican with a rubber toe???











Roberto

[Boltfan92153]

What do you call a graph that is quiet.


A box and Whisper plot!

THat was dumb, huh?

[mk87]

What do you call a graph that is quiet.


A box and Whisper plot!

THat was dumb, huh?

No, I got it..... I'm also a hardcore nerd.

[Boltfan92153]

I am just stuck in school and I think up jokes about stuff I have to learn

[Boltfan92153]

Here is another dumb graph joke:

What do you call an unorganized graph?


A SCATTERED plot!

[fanof5521]

>> Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some
>> time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the
>> doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little
>> boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, "Hey, Boudreaux!
>> You just had you-self a son! Ain't dat grand!"
>>
>> Boudreaux got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and
>> said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little
>> girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux! You got you-self a daughter! She a pretty
>> lil ting, too."
>>
>> Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on,
>> we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and
>> said, "Boudreaux, you just had you-self another boy!"
>>
>> When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their three children, he sat
>> down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run out
>> of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere tree-in-one
>> Oil?"
>>
>> His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
>>
>> Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-fourty."
>>

[Boltfan92153]

thats funny.

[ftwbolt]

25 Signs She is Low Maintenance

1. She eats anything.
2. She doesn't keep a journal.
3. She doesn't talk baby talk.
4. She can navigate for you--and she knows how to fold the map.
5. When you mention camping, she doesn't groan.
6. She'll never ask a waitress to bring the salad dressing "on the side."
7. She happily meets you at parties (in other words, she doesn't require
breathlessly attentive chaperoning for her big entrance.
8. She's asleep when you come home late.
9. When you are tired or tipsy, she offers to drive.
10. She doesn't mind if you see her before her morning ablutions.
11. When you travel, she doesn't have to cart her makeup around in a
separate bag on wheels that's bigger than a marine's field pack.
12. She thinks that going out on Valentine's Day and New Year's is
overrated.
13. She hates bed-and-breakfasts more than you do.
14. She only screams when she's having fun.
15. She drinks beer from a bottle.
16. She has a nursing degree.
17. She doesn't see the point of sending flowers, since "they just end up
dead and in the trash."
18. She's OK with peeing on the side of the road when there's no rest stop
in sight for fifty miles.
19. She never says "Hold me."
20. She cleans up after her dog.
21. She cleans up after you.
22. When she's pissed off, she tells you why.
23. You don't need to make a thirty minute PowerPoint presentation in order
to have $ex with her.
24. When your remote isn't working, she knows it's the battery.
25. She's not a cat person.

25 Signs She is High Maintenance

1. She won't do a summer rental with your friends because it requires
sharing a bathroom.
2. For her, complaining is a form of conversation.
3. She won't take public transportation.
4. She travels with her reflexologist.
5. She immediately accepts your offer to drop her at the entrance of the
restaurant while you crisscross the county looking for a parking place.
6. Her idea of a sexy Saturday involves you following her around while she
shops.
7. If she has blemishes, she won't go out in public.
8. She won't drink beer.
9. She rips you a new one if you happen to leave her side for more than a
minute at a social engagement.
10. She carries her new handbag for one season only, then torches it.
11. She never carries cash.
12. In anticipation of your three-day business trip, she lines up a spa day,
a girls' night out, and a pajama party during which she and her friends
drink Cosmos and watch Sex and the City DVDs.
13. She wears jewelry to the beach.
14. Her dad calls her Princess.
15. She has a purse named Dior.
16. She's a failed actress.
17. She likes gin.
18. She speaks with a European accent--even though she grew up in Omaha.
19. Her monthly grooming bills are higher than your car payments.
20. She has more women's magazines in her apartment than she does novels.
21. She has a publicist--even though she doesn't work.
22. All her friends are married to bankers.
23. All her relatives are bankers.
24. Her last three fiances were bankers.
25. She refers to her mother as B!t@h Face.

[mk87]

Matrix-style Ping-Pong

http://youtube.com/watch?v=kSH3dwsHW2o

Very funny, cute, and cool :)


--------------------------------------

There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are walking down a dark road, still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most. What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it is not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster too.

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: What did you do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down....

[mk87]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v48/dodoriano/43c3c25ef2750.jpg

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/7233/05344vx.jpg

http://img145.imageshack.us/img145/7560/01962ft.jpg

[Hamburglar]

How do you get a mouse to fly?Buy it an airplane ticket.Hahahahha i love popsicle jokes :D

[Chargeroo]

In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.

[TJ21]

In an attempt to put a halt to the spread of bird flu, George W. Bush has bombed the Canary Islands.
Nice one. :D

[ftwbolt]

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. "
Frank Sinatra


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
Henny Youngman


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
Stephen Wright

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
" Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
Benjamin Franklin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
Dave Barry

.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
Dave Howell


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theor y to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Olny srmat poelpe can.

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

[Rivers_owns]

A texan is attending his first day at Harvard university, as he gets there he is trying to find his way around.. So he goes up to 2 proffesors and asks,

" Hey, can ya'll tell me where the library is at? "

to which one of the proffesors replies.

" At Harvard, it is considered improper to end a sentence in a preposition "

the Texan sits back and thinks for a little and replies

" Hey, do ya'll know where the library is at, *******s? "

[JCDavey]

saw this over at the GTP forum - http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b79/infiltrateib/brokeback.jpg

[Chargerville]

saw this over at the GTP forum - http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b79/infiltrateib/brokeback.jpg

http://smilies.vidahost.com/otn/realhappy/xxrotflmao.gif

That's pretty harsh, but funny.

[ftwbolt]

saw this over at the GTP forum - http://i17.photobucket.com/albums/b79/infiltrateib/brokeback.jpg

That's a real cheap shot !

[ftwbolt]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. .

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[LightEmUp]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. .

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.


Good one! :p

[SDIANSD]

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep,not enough
sunshine, too much pressure from my job, earwax buildup, poor blood or
anything else I could think of.

But now I found out the real reason I'm tired because I'm overworked.

Here's why:. .

The population of this country is 273 million.

140 million are retired.

That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 48 million to do the work.

Of these there are 29 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 19 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama
Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 14.8 million people who work for state and city
governments.

And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

lol haha dat was good

[ftwbolt]

A brunette rushes in a doctor's office one morning in incredible pain
"Doctor, please help me, I don't know what's wrong with me. Everywhere I touch on my body hurts."....Well can you show me? says the doctor.
The brunette touches her ankle and screams in pain. Then she touches her stomach and arm then screams in pain again and starts to cry. The doctor then replies, you are not really a brunette are you?...No i dyed my hair, I am really a blonde says the woman.
The doctor replied and said, I thought so because your finger is broken.

[squabble]

This story happened in Brisbane, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no cars went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize that there was nobody behind the wheel! The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. The guy, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the nearest pub. Wet and in shock, he went to a taver n and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and....he wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked into the same tavern, wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing the guy who hitched a lift, the one said to the other,"Look, Bruce, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it."

[Boltman19]

Maybe some of you heard this, maybe not.

Two friends, Don and Fred, who wanted to know if they played baseball in Heaven. They agreed that the first one to die would find out and come back and let the other one know. As it turned out, Don died first. A few days after his death, Don appeared to Fred in a dream and Fred asked "So, what did you find out?" Don said, "Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.

"The good news is ... they do play baseball in Heaven.

The bad news is you're scheduled to pitch tomorrow night!"

LOL that was pretty good

[TJ21]

Wow. That certainly is explicit.

...still funny though. :D

[BCBoltFan]

LOL http://gifs.bestgraph.com/personnages/s_heureux/s_heureux-19.gif

[ftwbolt]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, ON
Canada, was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints Every night
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this
without effect.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate
how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee
solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the
mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have
been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are Teachers ... and then there are Educators

[chargerbaby95]

NO JOKE!!! Shaun Phillips has twins!!!!!

[LTfan4life]

EDIT: videos don't work

watch this video. it's hilarious.

http://planetvids.com/templates/view.php?go=item&n=376

[Boltman19]

According to a news report, a certain private school in Markham, ON
Canada, was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and
would put it on in the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press
their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints Every night
the maintenance man would remove them and the next day
the girls would put them back. Several memos were posted about this
without effect.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She
called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the
maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a problem for
the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate
how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee
solemnly dipped it in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the
mirror. There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there have
been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are Teachers ... and then there are Educators


LOL, is this true?

[MDChargerFan]

Why does the University of West Virginia play on artificial turf ?


To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during the game

[Shamrock]

Why does the University of West Virginia play on artificial turf ?


To keep the cheerleaders from grazing during the game
I could have sworn that was the University of Oklahoma .....

[BCBoltFan]

Regarding “gun registry” in Canada

Doctors:

1. The number of doctors in Canada is 700,000

2. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000

3. Accidental deaths per physicians is 17.14 %

Statistics courtesy of the Canadian Department of Health & Human Services

Guns:

1. The number of guns owned in Canada is 80,000,000- yes that’s 80 million

2. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

3. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875 %

Statistics courtesy of the RCMP

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, guns don’t kill people, doctors do!

Fact; not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention, then we would be in real trouble.

[HighBoltage]

Regarding “gun registry” in Canada

Doctors:

1. The number of doctors in Canada is 700,000

2. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000

3. Accidental deaths per physicians is 17.14 %

Statistics courtesy of the Canadian Department of Health & Human Services

Guns:

1. The number of guns owned in Canada is 80,000,000- yes that’s 80 million

2. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500

3. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875 %

Statistics courtesy of the RCMP

So statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, guns don’t kill people, doctors do!

Fact; not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention, then we would be in real trouble.
LOL. Good one. Someone should make a bumper sticker.

[ftwbolt]

A British company is developing computer chips that
will store music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major technological
break-through and will solve a perennial problem.

The perennial problem:

Women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.

[BCBoltFan]

A British company is developing computer chips that
will store music in women's breast implants.

This is being considered a major technological
break-through and will solve a perennial problem.

The perennial problem:

Women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.
Ha! Good one. http://gifs.bestgraph.com/personnages/s_grands/s_grands-43.gif

[Bolts76]

Today's Joke

Friday, May 26, 2006
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. "Maybe your other models let you kiss them," she said "but that won't work on me."
"I've never tried to kiss a model before," he insisted.
"Really?" she said, softening. "How many models have there been?"
"Four," he replied. "A jug, two apples and a vase..."

[Bolts76]

Two rednecks, Jethro and Fester, meet on a country road.

Jethro is carrying a big bag labeled, “CHICKENS”.

"CHICKENES, eh?" says the Fester. "Hmmmm, if I guesses how many chickens you gots in dat there bag, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the Jethro, "Iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of em."

Fester scratches his head and guesses, "Ummmm... five?!!"

[Bolts76]

A Redneck Valentine's Day Poem

Collards is green
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have som'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yo're too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds...

It's a new trollin' motor!!

[IgorUnchained]

Genius of Peter Kay...
>
>1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,
>'Thyroid problem?
>
> 2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike.
>Then I realized that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one
>and asked him to forgive me.
>
> 3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her
>voice.
> For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
>
> 4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my
>wife to go swimming.
>
> 5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I
>don't get on with my real ladder.
>
> 6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
>So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
>
> 7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different
>names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and
>stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it
>worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
>
> Cool My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is
>probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
>
> 9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good
>partner, you'd better have a good hand.
>
> 10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My
>neighbor said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be
>enough.'
>
> 11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made
>out of meat?
>
> 12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all
>nervous and give the wrong answers.
>
> 13) You know that look women get when they want s*x? Me neither.
>
> Peter Kay's questions...
>
> 1. Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you get
>undressed?
>
> 2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way
>down to the core of the earth?
>
> 3. Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
>
> 4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your
>*rse?
>
> 5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing
>you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob, and I am an alcoholic'?
>
> 7. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
>
> 8. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains
>for centuries' have a 'use by' date?
>
> 9. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to
>a horrible crisp no one would eat?
>
> 10. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
>
> 11. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think
>I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
>
> 12. What do people in China call their good plates?
>
> 13. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
>but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
>
> 14. What do you call male ballerinas?
>
> 15. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
>
> 16. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
>
> 17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made
>from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
>
> 18. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a
>billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell
>you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?
>
> 19. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
>
> 20. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
>gets mad at you but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his
>head out of the window?
>
>
>PETER KAYS 35 UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
>
>1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
>
>2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
>
>3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when
>your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete
>stranger.
>
>4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
>
>5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008
>into a calculator.
>
>6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
>
>7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
>
>Cool You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to
>have a fire in your back garden.
>
>10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
>
>11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
>
>12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
>
>13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
>
>14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy
>ball.
>
>15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
>
>16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
>
>17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call
>your teacher mum or dad.
>
>18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
>at the first given opportunity.
>
>19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.
>
>20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half
>way through and then raced against the flush.
>
>21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!
>
>22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
>
>23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
>
>24) You never ever run out of salt.
>
>25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
>
>26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.
>
>27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've
>got your hand or head stuck in something.
>
>28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.
>
>29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had
>their arm broken by a swan.
>
>30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and
>stepping on an upturned plug.
>
>31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard
>
>32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece
>of wood specifically to stir paint with.
>
>33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.
>
>34) Bricks are horrible to carry.
>
>35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.
>

[IgorUnchained]

A man walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?!!" exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?!!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."



A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief,they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish each,before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wishis.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts
laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"

[HighBoltage]

A man walks into a pub one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?!!" exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
"Certainly, Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the man.
"Four cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?!!" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."



A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies.
They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief,they have experienced he decides to grant them one wish each,before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wishis.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too."
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts
laughing.
When there are only ten people left, this guy is
rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.
Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again"
:::laugh out loud:::

[HighBoltage]

A cab driver is driving his usual route in New York when a man waives him down for a ride.

The man says, "Can you take me to Liverpool?"

Cabby: "Liverpool what?"

Man: "Liverpool, England."

Cabby: "England?! How am I supposed to do that?"

Man: "It's easy. We'll just drive down to the docks, put the car on the boat, and sail to England."

Cabby: "I can't take you to England!"

Man: "Look. You can keep the meter running the whole trip and I'll pay you the entire fare plus a tip when we get to Liverpool."

So, thinking it over and considering his incredible fortune the cab driver decides to go for this great offer. The man gets in the cab and they drive to the docks, load the car, and sail to England. Once there the driver takes the man to his destination, and the man pays him exactly what he said he would pay him.

Now the cab driver has a new problem. How is he going to get back to New York? Well, he begins driving around Liverpool when he gets flagged down by another man.

Man: "Can you drive me to New York?"

The cab driver could not believe his luck. What an incredible fare he was about to make again!

Cabby: "Well, sure. Where do you want to go?"

Man: "I need to get to West 54th street. Can you take me there?"

Cabby: "I'm sorry. I can't do that."

"Well, why not?!", the man replied.

Cabby: "I don't go to the West Side."


:::drums::: 'ba-dum-pssh'

[Shamrock]

A big shot businessman had to spend a couple of days in the
hospital. He was a major a-hole to the nurses because he
bossed them around just like he did his employees.

None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with
him The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to
him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature." After complaining for several minutes, he
finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I
cannot use an oral thermometer." This started another round
of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his
rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he
heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay
JUST LIKE THAT until I get back."

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He
curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his
door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes
into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't
you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I
haven't. Not with a carnation anyway."

[ftwbolt]

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across
this big hole. "Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does
. . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it
is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and
wait . . . no noise "Man. That is REALLY deep . . .
here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there.

Those should make a noise." They pick up a couple football-
sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . .
. and wait. Nothing.

They look at each other in amazement.
One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey
. . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie.

Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker
in, it's GOTTA make some noise.

The two drag the heavy
tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes
from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a
goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward
the two men, then right past them, running as fast as
it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air
and into the hole.

The two men are astonished with what
they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes
a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey . .. you two guys seen my goat out here?" "You bet we did!
Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!"
"Nah", say the farmer,
"That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained
to a railroad tie.

[benjamink15]

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

That's great.


:Beer:
A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1965."

Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."


ROTFLMAO!
Sry this joke was posted quite a while ago but i couldnt help it

[ftwbolt]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples
from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They
just have to
wait for the right man to come along, the one who is brave enough to
climb all
the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's
up to women to stomp the stuff out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

[benjamink15]

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."
....
........
...........
At that point, the proctologist fainted.

L M A O !!!!! wow, thats probably top 10 all time ... ROTFLMAO that made me laugh out loud hysterically at work

[IgorUnchained]

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."



Q: What's yellow and smells like green paint?
A: Yellow Paint


A lawyer died and was delivered into the devil's hands. "You will be spending eternity here, but I'll let you pick your own room from three I'll show you," the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. "I don't like that," said the man. "Show me the second."

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. "Well, that's better than brick," the man said, "but show me the third."

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

"I'll choose this room," he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, "OK, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

[ftwbolt]

How many men does it tak e to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told -------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

[HighBoltage]

Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy. ---------


LOL. That is crazy funny.

[ftwbolt]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/ftwbolt/ShowLetter.jpg

[Shamrock]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/ftwbolt/ShowLetter.jpg
Looks like a Dallas Mavericks souvenior BBQ set. Sponsored by Safeway.

[benjamink15]

Looks like a Dallas Mavericks souvenior BBQ set. Sponsored by Safeway.

MAVS will win that championship :D ...

[ftwbolt]

Looks like a Dallas Mavericks souvenior BBQ set. Sponsored by Safeway.

Funny!!!!! Always thought it looked liked a longhorn fan who couldn't afford a parking pass to a tailgate party !! :D

[Shamrock]

Funny!!!!!
The original kit comes with a Boomer Sooner Cookbook.

[ftwbolt]

The original kit comes with a Boomer Sooner Cookbook.

And the main Course is" Bevo,:D it's what's for Dinner"

[GoTomlinson]

Haha, that shopping cart grill is not such a bad idea.

[Podium]

Chuck Norris hates you all.

[ftwbolt]

Chuck Norris hates you all.

I like Chuck ! One of the good guys !

[Podium]

This guy was a good guy too.

http://www.eve-files.com/media/09/mr_t.jpg

[Shamrock]

And the main Course is" Bevo,:D it's what's for Dinner"
Go brush your tooth. Hillbilly. :p

[HighBoltage]

I like Chuck ! One of the good guys !
http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/1404/goodguyswearblackpic14iq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Unfortunately I know the outcome of every Chuck Norris movie before seeing it. Everyone gets a roundhouse kick to the face at the end....well and the beginning......the middle parts too......and actually every scene someone's catching one in the jaw.

[Totally Bolted]

http://img75.imageshack.us/img75/1404/goodguyswearblackpic14iq.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

Unfortunately I know the outcome of every Chuck Norris movie before seeing it. Everyone gets a roundhouse kick to the face at the end....well and the beginning......the middle parts too......and actually every scene someone's catching one in the jaw.

Hey even the boogey man looks in his closet for Chuck Norris before he goes to bed.

[ftwbolt]

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At pilots training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Tommy had been to a birthday party at a friend's house. Knowing his sweet tooth, Tommy's mother looked straight into his eyes and said, "I hope you didn't ask for a second piece of cake."

"No, but I asked Mrs. Smith for the recipe so you could make some like it, and she gave me two more pieces without asking."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As my five year old son and I were headed to McDonald's one day, we passed a car accident. Usually when we see something terrible like that, we say a prayer for those who might be hurt, so I pointed and said to my son, "We should pray."

From the back seat I heard his earnest request: "Please, God, don't let those cars block the entrance to McDonald's."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The irony of life is that, by the time you're old enough to know your way around, you're not going anywhere.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The best computer is a man, and it's the only one that can be mass produced by unskilled labor

[Bolts76]

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:


1. On a southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Air ways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax... OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[Totally Bolted]

I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."


That's funny. LOL I think I may try that one.

[ftwbolt]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save
money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with
Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make
one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next
morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said,
"Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just
sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning,
samething--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man,
what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes
the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's tun. Frank was a big burly ex-fo otball
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed
him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

[ftwbolt]

The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to
keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound
of a thunderstorm and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness
the scent of fresh butter fat.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cackle and the air is
filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.
So far I have been too afraid to go down the toilet paper aisle.

The following week.......
You will never guess what happened. You guessed it, I thought I only farted then smelled the worst scent in my life. People around me began to pass out and fell to the floor. The next thing, I heard what sounded like paper unrolling and a commode flushing. Suddenly, a giant green mist started rising upward, staining the overhead.

An emergency bell sounded and paramedics came running in to meet the same faith as the shoppers. So, if you should make the same mistake and take the wrong aisle, beware of pending disasters.

[Chargers Fan]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto decided to turn in for the evening after a long day of battling enemies.
A few hours after falling asleep, Tonto suddenly wakes the Lone Ranger and says “Look up! What do you see?!”

The Lone Ranger looks up and says “I see the night sky. I see the moon and the stars.”

Tonto says “So what does that tell you?”

After contemplating for several moments, The Lone Ranger answers: “Well, astronomically speaking, it tells me there could be billions of stars and planetary systems in the galaxy. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo right now. Theologically, I feel it suggests that God is all-powerful, and that we are very small and insignificant. Time-wise, I’d say it’s about three in morning, based on the position of the moon. And meteorologically, I’d have to say from the sky’s clarity that we’re in for a day of great weather tomorrow. Why, Tonto? What does the night sky tell you?”

Tonto replies “Tells me somebody stole our tent, jackass.”
__________________

[Totally Bolted]

When Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to attempt to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

[HighBoltage]

When Abu al-Zarqawi died, George Washington met him at the Pearly Gates. He slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare you try to attempt to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed!"

James Madison followed, kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat al-Zarqawi with a long cane and snarled, "It was Evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As al-Zarqawi lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared.

Al-Zarqawi wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"
Ha ha. Good one! :Beer:

[Chargers Fan]

A guy gets a job as a city bus driver. On his first day, he pulls over to a very crowded stop and waits as everybody files on. The last person to get on the bus is a 7'4" monstrous behemoth of a man. The huge man looks at the bus driver and says in a loud, deep voice "Big Jim doesn't pay!"
The rookie bus driver doesn't feel like pressing the issue and lets "Big Jim" have a seat.
The following day, the same thing occurs. The huge man gets on, looks right at the bus driver, and says "Big Jim doesn't pay!"
The annoyed bus driver once again says nothing.
The following day, and every day after, the same thing happens when Big Jim gets on the bus. Although the driver wasn't going to make an issue of it at first, it begins to eat away at him -- until he finally decides he's going to do something about it.
The driver begins taking martial arts classes and starts learning about weapons. Everyday after completing his route, he works out and practices combat techniques -- with his growing hatred of Big Jim fueling his efforts.
Finally, after about a year of super-intense training, the driver feels he is ready to confront Big Jim. He decides that today is the day that Big Jim IS going to pay.
As usual, Big Jim is at the regular bus stop. As usual, he gets on and makes his proclamation, "Big Jim doesn't pay!"
But this time, instead of saying nothing, the driver shuts off the engine and stands up. He bumps his chest up against Big Jim and says "Oh yeah? Really?!?" With rage in his eyes, he shoves Big Jim back and strikes a martial arts pose. His voice dripping with sarcasm he says "Tell me, 'Big Jim', why do you think you're something special?? Why doesn't 'Big Jim' thinks he has to pay the fare like everybody else!?"
With a look of mild surprise on his face, Big Jim calmly pulls out his wallet, pulls something out of it, hands it to the bus driver, and says:
"Because Big Jim has a monthly bus pass."

[Chargeroo]

As an obstetrician, I aided the delivery of a baby boy for the wife of a player for the San Diego Chargers football team. Soon after, I approached the new father with his firstborn and noticed he was shaking. I placed the little Charger in his arms and whispered, "Don't fumble."

- submitted to Reader's Digest by Carolle Jean-Murat

[Chargers Fan]

A man sees a sign posted in front of a house that says "Talking Dog for Sale - $5.00"
Curious about the sign, he goes up to the house and knocks on the door.
The owner of the house answers. The curious man says "Okay, what's the gag with the dog?"
With a straight expression, the house owner replies "It's no gag. I have a talking dog for sale, and I want to get rid of him."
The curious guy skeptically asks "Well, would you mind if I spoke with him before I give up five good bucks?"
"Sure," says the house owner "he's in the next room. Go on in and meet him."
The guy goes in and sees a dog watching TV. Feeling kind of foolish, he asks "Are you the talking dog?"
The dog looks at him and says "That's right, buddy."
The shocked man exclaims "You really do talk!"
The dog nonchalantly replies "Talk...that's nothing. Look, man, I was in the US Army canine corps, where I was awarded the Medal of Honor for bravery in battle. Later on, I joined the fire department, where I saved fifty people in an apartment fire, most of them kids. I was given a key to the city and a commendation from the state governor. After that, I joined up with the police department's K-9 unit, during which time I personally assisted in the apprehension of over 100 convicted felons."
The dazed fellow walks back into the front room and asks the owner "Why on Earth would you want to sell a dog like that for only five dollars?"
The owner disgustedly replies "Because...he's nothing but a stinking liar!"

[Totally Bolted]

Efficiency
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed
that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and
utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked
around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter
came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" He explained, "The
restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes.
After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the
most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of
approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel is better
prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15
man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able
to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen
instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also
noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I
noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So
before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why
you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.
"Not everyone is so observant. When we are in the restroom, by tying this
string to the tip of our "you know what", we can pull it out without touching it and
eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom
by 76.39 percent." I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he
whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon!"

[ftwbolt]

Situational Awareness Scenario: You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also travelling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?












Answer:



Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you are drunk!!!!

[TJ21]

What you call Darren Sproles' dad trying to fix an active electric wire?


The Elder Sproles Oblivion... :D :D :D















Well it wasn't supposed be funny... so there!

[Chargers Fan]

Well it wasn't supposed be funny... so there!

Funny or not, it was still damn clever.


Here's a joke I made up back when the Bolts drafted that worthless thing from Washington State:
What's the difference between the new war movie with Tom Hanks and the athletic cup for the new Chargers quarterback?
The athletic cup is Saving Ryan's Privates.

Of course, I made the joke up before I knew Leaf didn't have any nuts to protect.

[TemeculaMike]

Answer: Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you are drunk!!!!

Was that qualifier really necessary?

[Chargeroo]

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho! Marx
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

[bizznot]

Man walks into a pet store.
"Pardon, senor, but I need 300 cockroaches"
"Now, why would you need a thing like that?"
"I am moving, and my rent contract says 'leave the apartment as you found it'"

[Boltfan219]

I remember how many cockroaches were in my apartment.

[ftwbolt]

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as 26 yr. old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.

My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air, and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that b!&*# Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleading b!&*#. If there were a part of my body could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my wife , will choose a gift for me that is fun --like a root canal or a vasectomy!!

[Boltfan219]

I hope that is not a true story cause I would feel bad for you.

[Shamrock]

Dear Diary:

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25 yrs ago...

40 - 25 = 15

Wow! You must have been the youngest guy on your college team !!!

[Boltfan219]

Guess that answers my question...

[ftwbolt]

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed,
observing his wife turning back and forth,
looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off,
he asked what she'd like to have for
her Birthday.

I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early,
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms,
and then took her to Six Flags theme park.
What a day !
He put her on every ride in the park; the Death
Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster
Roller Coaster... everything there was. Five hours
Later they staggered out of the theme park. Her
head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

He then took her to a McDonald's where he
ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries
and a chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop,
and her favorite candy, M&M's.
What a fabulous adventure !
Finally she wobbled home with her
husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.

He leaned over his wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, Well Dear, what was it like being six again ? ?

Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed.

I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong.

[sandyk]

Incredible story about an elephant's memory...


A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college.
While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull
elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very
carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot.
There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out
with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its
foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on
its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen --
thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked a
way.

The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his
teenaged
son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The
large
bull elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground,
then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while
staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the
same
elephant.

After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at
him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made
his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and
stared
back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around
one
of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the
railing,
killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Boltfan219]

Wow, I think I may have heard of that somewhere before, but I feel bad for the teenager seeing that happen...

[sandyk]

Wow, I think I may have heard of that somewhere before, but I feel bad for the teenager seeing that happen...
Are you telling me that this actually happened? I received it in a joke e-mail from a friend.

[Boltfan219]

I dont know, but I may of heard it elsewhere. If it is true then I feel bad, but animals have attacked humans before and it does not surprise me.

[LightsOut801]

LOL! thats funny

[OKCBOLTSFAN]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the bartender serves him, he notices a monkey on the bar.
"What's with the monkey?" the patron asks.
"Well, I saw him at the pet store and thought he's make a good mascot" said the bartender
Not wanting to debate the subject, the patron goes to shoot a game of pool. Just as he is about to break, the monkey jumps off the bar and onto the pool table and swallows the cue ball.
"What the hell was that!" screamed the parton.
The bartender says "I am terribly sorry about that, I still need to train him a little. If you come back in a week, he will be a better mascot, I promise!"
The patron storms out, and a week later, comes back. He orders a beer and asks about the monkey.
"Oh, he is much smarter now, he won't eat another pool ball again." says the bartender.
Just as the patron reaches for beer nuts, the monkey grabs one, sticks it in his ass, and then eats it.
"What the hell was that! I thought you said this monkey was smarter!"
"He is'"said the bartender. "Since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything before he eats it."

[OKCBOLTSFAN]

A chargers fan walks into a bar with a limp, and orders a beer. He looks to the end of the bar and sees Jesus Christ. He looks at the bartender and asks"is thhat Jesus?" The bartender says"Yes, it is." The Charger fan says"well, give him a beer on me." The bartender walks to Jesus and hands him a beer, and Jesus raises his glass to the Charger fan.

A little later, a Raidud fan walks in with a neck brace. He walks to the bar and orders a beer, looks down the bar and sees Jusus. He too asks the bartender if it truly is Jesus and buys him a beer. Jesus again raises his glass in thanks.

After Jesus finishes his second beer, he walks over to the Charger fan and says "my son, thank you for your generosity. In appreciation, I will heal your bad leg." He lays hands on the Charger fan and instantly heals him.

Jesus then walks to the Raidud fan and says "my son, thanks you as well for your generosity. For your kindness, I will heal you as well."

The Raidud fan says, "hold on there pal, I'm on disability!"

[benjamink15]

LOL! thats funny

Welcome ... you should introduce yourself ... or did you just join to comment on that joke?:o

[benjamink15]

A chargers fan walks into a bar with a limp, and orders a beer. He looks to the end of the bar and sees Jesus Christ. He looks at the bartender and asks"is thhat Jesus?" The bartender says"Yes, it is." The Charger fan says"well, give him a beer on me." The bartender walks to Jesus and hands him a beer, and Jesus raises his glass to the Charger fan.

A little later, a Raidud fan walks in with a neck brace. He walks to the bar and orders a beer, looks down the bar and sees Jusus. He too asks the bartender if it truly is Jesus and buys him a beer. Jesus again raises his glass in thanks.

After Jesus finishes his second beer, he walks over to the Charger fan and says "my son, thank you for your generosity. In appreciation, I will heal your bad leg." He lays hands on the Charger fan and instantly heals him.

Jesus then walks to the Raidud fan and says "my son, thanks you as well for your generosity. For your kindness, I will heal you as well."

The Raidud fan says, "hold on there pal, I'm on disability!"

Lmao ... typical raiduh fan

[Shamrock]

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

George: That's what I want to know.

Condi: That's what I'm telling you.

George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes.

George: I mean the fellow's name.

Condi: Hu.

George: The guy in China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The new leader of China.

Condi: Hu.

George: The main man in China!

Condi: Hu is leading China.

George: Now whaddya' asking me for?

Condi: I'm telling you, Hu is leading China.

George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?

Condi: That's the man's name.

George: That's who's name?

Condi: Yes.

George: Will you, or will you not, tell me the name of the new leader of China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he's dead in the Middle East.

Condi: That's correct.

George: Then who is in China?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir is in China?

Condi: No, sir.!

George: Then who is?

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Yassir?

Condi: No, sir.

George: Look Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.

Condi: Kofi?

George: No, thanks.

Condi: You want Kofi?

George: No.

Condi: You don't want Kofi.

George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi?

George: Milk! Will you please make the call?

Condi: And call who?

George: Who is the guy at the U.N?

Condi: Hu is the guy in China

George: Will you stay out of China?!

Condi: Yes, sir.

George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.

Condi: Kofi.

George: All right! With cream and two sugars.

[Chargers Fan]

Q: How do you get a thousand sweet little old ladies to all scream the F-word at the same time?

A: Get one sweet little old lady to yell "Bingo!"

[Chargeroo]

George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?

Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.

George: Great. Lay it on me.

Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.

I thought hu was on first?

[TJ21]

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

LMAO... that's pretty good. :D

[OKCBOLTSFAN]

I thought hu was on first?

THIRD BASE!!!!

[sandyk]

Remember the old "Who's on First"? Here's a modern version.
> > > >
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking
about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals track expenses and run my business. What have you got?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office and it has windows! OK, let's just say,
I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The word in office for windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The word you get when you click the blue "w."
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue w if you don't start with some
straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I also want to see reel 2, 3 & 4. Can I watch
them?
ABBOTT: of course.
COSTELLO: Great, with what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do
I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "one."
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue 1.
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "w"?
ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue "w" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there's three words in office for windows!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part
of Office.
COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping,
do you have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
ABBOTT: Money
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not, they own it.

[Boltfan219]

Did you make that one, it was good. Must have taken a while.

[sandyk]

Did you make that one, it was good. Must have taken a while.
Nope, can't take credit. A friend sent it to me.

[HighBoltage]

Nope, can't take credit. A friend sent it to me.
That's great. Someone out there has some extra time on their hands. ;)

Very funny, though.

[PeytOWNED]

Why does Donovan McNabb eat the Chunky Soup out of the can in the commercials?

He chokes when he gets close to a Bowl

[sandyk]

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a box of chocolates:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking at everything she saw, studying every! little detail, until she noticed a white bag on the seat next to Sally.

"What in bag?" asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the white bag and said, "It's a box of chocolates.
I got it for my husband".

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking
with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: "Good trade."

[Chargers Fan]

Time to recycle one of the old classics...

A guy goes into an Oakland sports bar to catch the Monday night game. He notices a dog hanging out with the bartender as they watch the game on TV.
With about five minutes left in the game, the Raiders line-up for a field goal (their first potential score of the game). The attempt is successful, causing the dog to start barking loudly in celebration. He leaps over the bar and begins running all over the place, howling loudly for joy with his tail wagging vigorously.

The customer says to the bartender "Gee, your dog really loves the Raiders. If he goes that crazy over a field goal, I have to ask -- what does he do when they score a touchdown?"

The bartender replies "I don't know. I've only had him for four years."

[RFargo]

How many men does it take to open a beer???

None it should be open when "she" brings it to you.

[OKCBOLTSFAN]

With the first pick of my fantasy football draft, I take Jeff George, quarterback, Oakland.

[Chargeroo]

I asked a passenger at my airline check-in counter if he wanted the smoking or non-smoking section. In heavily accented English he replied that he preferred a non-smoking window. I told him that the only window I had left was on the wing. He looked at me with a horrified expression. "No, no!" he exclaimed. "Inside the airplane inside the airplane."

[RAWDOGG]

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?



To get to the the BOTTOM

[chargergilr55]

Bob and his wife Karin were at a couples retreat. Everyone had to stand and state how long they have been married. Bob and Karin stood and said 45 years. Everyone in the room applauded. One of the couples stopped Bob and asked what their secret was. He said it was back on the honeymoon, the went to the Grand Canyon and were riding horses down when the horse jerked and almost made Karin drop her watter, she leaned over to the horses ear and said "That's one". We went down a little ways and the house jumped and almost made Karin fall off, she leaned over to the horsed ear and said "That's two. So we went on and now the horse threw Karin and she hit the ground. She said "That's three" and pulled out a gun and shot the horse. I went nuts, I yelled at her what is your problem, why would you shot the horse, he didn't do anything to you. She looked and me and said "THAT'S ONE", and we have been happily married ever since.

[Totally Bolted]

OK Chagergilr55 on that note...

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, "Whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he had ever seen. But, just
as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the
repairman
couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly
bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[GoTomlinson]

How many plays does it take for the Raiders to suck?

The answer is none... the front office already ruined everything.

[chargers4real]

my mother in law sent me this one...we can change the names of the teams to fit our chargers if we want...:


Four football fans go rock climbing one afternoon, a Bengals fan, a
Browns fan, a Steelers fan, and a Ravens fan. They had been arguing all
the way up the mountain about who among them was the most "die-hard" fan.


Upon reaching the top of the mountain, the Ravens fan proclaimed to the
other four...


"This is for the Baltimore Ravens!" and promptly threw himself off the
mountain as a form of sacrifice.


Not to be outdone by a Ravens fan, the Bengals fan jumped up and
said..."This is for the Cincinnati Bengals!" and then threw himself off the
mountain again as a form of sacrifice.


Refusing to be outdone by the Ravens and Bengals fans, the Browns Fan
rose to his feet and yelled at the top of his lungs "This is for the
Cleveland Browns!" and without any hesitation, pushed the Pittsburgh
Steelers fan off the mountain.

[kerr76]

I heard this this mornign on the radio.
the top ten signs that your nfl team will wuck this year.
#10 the caoch refers top the X's and O's as hugs and kisses
#9 instead of a giant cooler filled with gatoraid its a giant blender with margarita mix
I wish I could remember them all but another was
the quater back spends more time in the locker room sacking himself
#1 the team has a dont ask don't tell policy in the huddle.

for more go to late night with dave letterman top ten archive there are some really funny ones

[Chargeroo]

This is just a little sick but funny -



ONLY A TRUE GOLFER CAN UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF THIS STORY, A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie the second. On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole in one when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up finishing all eighteen. He finished his round shooting a personal best 61 shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than
10. He was jubilant; then he remembered his wife.

Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you? I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU!
It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last! For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care and you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed. The doctor started to snicker and said, "Just kidding! She died more than two hours ago.
What'd you shoot?"

[MDChargerFan]

Jesus and the Redneck

An Irishman in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon
and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across
the restaurant and asked,

"Is that Jesus sitting over there?"

The waitress nodded "yes," so the Irishman told her to give
Jesus a cup of coffee on him.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched
back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the
Waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and
asked, "Is that Jesus over there?"

The waitress nodded, so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup
of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck on
crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there,
sweet thang. How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Coke! !"

He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked,"Is that God's
boy over there?"

The waitress once more nodded, so the Redneck said to give
Jesus a cold glass of Coke, "On my bill."

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Irishman, touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."

The Irishman felt the strength come back into his legs, got up,
and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For
your kindness, you are healed."

The Englishman felt his back straightening up, and he raised
his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck.

The Redneck jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me..I'm drawin'
disability."

[ftwbolt]

Two blondes living in Texas were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."


AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."


KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"


BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[sandyk]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
> 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
>
> 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
>
> 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
> You may need to stand on the lid.
>
> 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
> Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
>
> 5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
> This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
>
> 6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
> Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
>
> 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
>
> 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where it will dry itself off.
>
>
> 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
>
> Sincerely,
> The Dog

[Bobmarleysd]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
> 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
>
> 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
>
> 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
> You may need to stand on the lid.
>
> 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
> Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
>
> 5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
> This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
>
> 6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
> Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
>
> 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
>
> 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where it will dry itself off.
>
>
> 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
>
> Sincerely,
> The Dog


I tried this with a kitten and it didn't work to well.

[ftwbolt]

Toilet Cleaning Instructions :
> 1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
>
> 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
>
> 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
> You may need to stand on the lid.
>
> 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds.
> Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
>
> 5. Flush the toilet three or four times.
> This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
>
> 6. Have someone open the front door of your home.
> Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
>
> 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
>
> 8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom,and run outside where it will dry itself off.
>
>
> 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
>
> Sincerely,
> The Dog

Anybody have a Cat I can borrow ? ;)

[2Big4U]

Place Merrimonster in every chuck norris joke

[sandyk]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is another galloping horse. Both horses are also traveling at the same speed as you . What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?









* Get your drunk butt off the merry-go-round. *

[MDChargerFan]

Anybody have a Cat I can borrow ? ;)


Why dont you come to B-more for the game.Theres plenty of them there waiting in the parking lot to attack crow fans.

[sandyk]

SCRABBLE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too
much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

[spysnipedis]

SCRABBLE

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE


THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE


AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too
much time on their hands! (Probably a son-in-law)

amazing

lol

[sandyk]

amazing

lol
I thought so when I got this in my in box.

[Waylon138]

I've got a joke....................

THE RAIDERS!!!

[benjamink15]

I've got a joke....................

THE RAIDERS!!!

Lmao ... nice!
never gets old

[TCUFAN5]

well are u talking about baskin robbins? or all flavors of ice cream.. be more specific.. LOL

[ftwbolt]

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restroom's so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[ftwbolt]

Benign..............What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome .
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.

[MDChargerFan]

An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..." YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY - Not all Irish are stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.





__._,_.___

[benjamink15]

Benign..............What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome .
Catscan..................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize................Made eye contact with her.
Colic.......................A sheep dog.
Coma.......................A punctuation mark.
D&C........................Where Washington is.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.....................Not a friend.
Fester.....................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent.................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane.
Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates..................Cheaper than day rates.
Node.......................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative.......A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Rectum..................Damn near killed him.
Secretion...............Hiding something
Seizure...................Roman emperor.
Tablet....................A small table.
Terminal Illness......Getting sick at the airport.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose.................Near by/close by.

LMAO .......

[CA Joker]

KNOCK KNOCK...whose there...HAL.... hal who....HALLOWEEN! :)
hey TCUFAN#5, im back :)

[RAYRAY37]

Hey , I think I know where Bin Laden is at? Where? He is in New Orleans, why there? Because the U.S. Government does not go there!

[2Big4U]

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen,
Were Sitting Naked In
A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The First Young
Woman
Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The
Others Looked At Her
Questioningly. That Was My Pager," She Said. I Have
A Microchip Under
The Skin Of My Arm.

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young
Woman Lifted Her
Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained,
"that Was My Mobile
Phone I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Older Woman Felt Very Low Tech. However, Not To
Be Outdone; She
Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive.
She Stepped Out Of
The Sauna, Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A
Piece Of Toilet
Paper Hanging From Her Rear End. The Others Raised
Their Eyebrows And
Stared At Her. The Older Woman Finally Said.........

" Well, Will You Look At That... I'm Getting A Fax!!"

[Waylon138]

Three Women, Two Younger, And One Senior Citizen,
Were Sitting Naked In
A Sauna.

Suddenly There Was A Beeping Sound. The First Young
Woman
Pressed Her Forearm And The Beep Stopped. The
Others Looked At Her
Questioningly. That Was My Pager," She Said. I Have
A Microchip Under
The Skin Of My Arm.

A Few Minutes Later, A Phone Rang. The Second Young
Woman Lifted Her
Palm To Her Ear. When She Finished, She Explained,
"that Was My Mobile
Phone I Have A Microchip In My Hand."

The Older Woman Felt Very Low Tech. However, Not To
Be Outdone; She
Decided She Had To Do Something Just As Impressive.
She Stepped Out Of
The Sauna, Went To The Bathroom. She Returned With A
Piece Of Toilet
Paper Hanging From Her Rear End. The Others Raised
Their Eyebrows And
Stared At Her. The Older Woman Finally Said.........

" Well, Will You Look At That... I'm Getting A Fax!!"

Good one!!!

[chargertom]

Top 10 excuses to use when you get caught sleeping at work.

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work- related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND, THE NUMBER ONE BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

[bolts4superbowl]

a newleywed couple were sitting at the table talking about the future
the young woman said"wont ti be nice to talk about all our troubles together"
"i guess'the man siad
"what do youmean " the woman asked
"well, i dont have any troubles" the man said
" well, thats cause youre not married yet"

[ftwbolt]

Social Tips for Rednecks (and just plain good advice) In General...

1. Never take a beer to an interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude
to drive a U-haul to the funeral.

Dining Out
1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper
cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.


Entertaining in your home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his
manners are.

Personal Hygiene
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in
private using one's own truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to distract from a woman's jewelry, and alter the taste of finger
foods.


Dating (outside the family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive, Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you ever since I read that stuff on the bathroom walls two
years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday," If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette
1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up
immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to the characters on the screen.. Tests have
proven that they can't hear you.

Weddings
1. Livestock, usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds might get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
******bund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

Driving Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral possession

[ftwbolt]

Three contractors were bidding to fix the White House fence. One
was from New York, another was from Kentucky and the third was from Florida. Along with a White House official, they examined the fence.

The Florida contractor took out a tape measure, did some
measuring, then worked on some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he said, "I figure the job will run about $900. That would
be $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and a $100 profit for me."

The Kentucky contractor also did some measuring and figuring, then
said,"I can do this job for $700. That would be $300 for materials,
$300 for my crew, and a $100 profit for me."

The New York contractor didn't do any measuring or figuring, but
leaned over to the White House official and whispered, "$2,700."

The official was incredulous and said, "You didn't even measure
like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy," the New Yorker explained: "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me,
and we hire the guy from Kentucky

[Alexanderly]

SanDiegoFan> Whats does 100-22.5 = ?
GiantsFan> 77.5
SanDiegoFan> Nope
GiantsFan>......
SanDiegoFan> Eli's QB rating

[BCBoltFan]

With a couple celebrating their 50th anniversary at the churches
marriage marathon, the minister asked Brother Ralph to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he managed to live with the
same woman all these years.

The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I treated her with
respect, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on
special occasions."

The minister inquired trips to where?

"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.

"The minister then said, "What a terrific example you are to all
husbands Ralph . Now please tell the audience what you're going to
do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?

Brother Ralph: "I'm going to go get her."

[ftwbolt]

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long
johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped
quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph.

I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered
That the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
She sleepily replied, Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that stuff?"

[Boltbaby]

Tony Romo (http://www.nfl.com/players/playerpage/396886) went from Jessica Simpson to Carrie Underwood. Just wondering what a hot Saturday looks like now that a shiny ball got between him and the next round --

Chick-fil-A with Kelly Pickler?

HA HA! Hilarious!

[Chargers Fan]

What has 100,000 legs and 28 teeth?

A Raiders home game.

[ftwbolt]

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars c an now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock

Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with candy striper.

Texas executes last remaining citizen.

Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

Authentic year 2000 "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing thousands in Los Angeles.

Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

New California law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, and baseball bats be registered by January 2036.

The Rolling Stones are doing their 40th World Tour

Regis Philbin has new cohost,Gilman doesn"t agree with choice

Elvis spotted at Home Depot

Divers discover the underwater city of New Orleans

Canada has adopted the Palm tree as it's new national tree

Queen Mary 2 cruises to the North Pole

Killer bee attack in Nome Alaska

McDonald's serves it's 300th billion customer

Live fish found in mid Atlantc

Dick Clark signs to do another New Years show

Will Ferrell wins Daytona 500

China announces that population is now down to 100 million

Palistine and Isreal sign new treaty replacing last weeks treaty,which replaced the one the week before and the one before that and the one before that and so on and so on.

Tonight Show cancelled after it couldn't reach a deal with Regis Philbin

Late Night Show cancelled, couldn't sign Regis Philbin

Canadian dollar worth $2.27 US

The last General Motors car,a 2011 Chevrolet goes to auction on ebay

Canada fails to sign lumber deal with US(no more trees left)

Amish people still living like they did 100 years ago.

Pineapples are now the third biggest export for Canada,#1 is oil,#2 is water

Notre Dame continues 20 year losing streak

Rocky X opens on the big screen

[Boltfan219]

Slash is on 100,000,000,000 cigarette.

Raiders finish close to .500

[Tiny]

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.



What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. She's already been told. Twice...




And the most wholesome joke of all...

Why'd the cookie go to the doctor?

Cuz he felt crummy!

[Boltfan219]

What is Sylvester Stallones favorite Baseball team?



The Colorado Rockies

[The Englishman]

Why is it bad to mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you shouldn't drink and derive.

Thumbs up if you thought that funny ... http://forums.chargers.com/images/icons/icon13.gif

[Chargers Fan]

Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

A: "Make me one with everything."

[Boltfan219]

What is a Professional Boxer's favorite skateboarding trick?


A Muhammad Olly.

[bd popeye]

I hope this old Raider joke has not been posted..but here I go

What did Raider fan say to the other Raider fan after makin' luv??

"Get off me Dad, yer crushin' my smokes!"

[Chargers Fan]

Q: How do they know a Raiders fan invented the toothbrush?

A: Because if a fan of any other team had invented it, the thing would've been called a teethbrush.

[Nospin]

I grew up in very poor town..The only heavy industry we had was a 300 pound Avon Lady.

[E SMITTY]

An athiest is walking through the forest when he notices a bear in the near distance.

The bear sees the athiest and begins to charge at him.
The athiest sees the bears charge so he runs for his life. The bear is catching up quickly so then finally the athiest drops to his knees and asks for gods help.

The bear jumps in mid air and then freezes.

The river stops running the wind stops blowing and a light comes out of the sky.

God asks why should i help you if you never believed in me. The athiest says this is true I understand but can you at least make the bear a christian.

God says okay, and the river then begins to run the wind begins to blow and the bear lands on all 4 paws and puts 2 of them together and says..

Thank you lord for this meal that I am about to recieve ! ! !

hahahahhaha !!!

A raider fan could never type that many words !!!

[JCDavey]

saw this on broncomania, it's a raiders fan's sig

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/3479/donkeydumpsterlo0.jpg

[Chargeroo]

When he was sentenced to the guillotine he lost his head.