Jokes

[BCBoltFan]

What do you call a smart blonde?


A golden retriever.

[puertoricanrobb]

This is funny as hell...

A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[Rivers_owns]

This is funny as hell...


A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said, "Just serious by nature." "The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action." The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action." The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?" The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, and panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!" The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."



lmao, that was pretty good.

[Rivers_owns]

saw this on broncomania, it's a raiders fan's sig

http://img177.imageshack.us/img177/3479/donkeydumpsterlo0.jpg


Ahahah! That is golden!!

[Hamburglar]

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a decrepit old cow suddenly appeared directly in front of the car. The old cow was too feeble to get out of the way. The driver tried to avoid the cow, but couldn't. The car hit and killed the ancient bovine.

Hillary told the driver to go up to the nearby farmhouse and explain what had happened. Hillary stayed in the car, making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of wine in one hand, a huge, rare Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily --- with lipstick smears on face and collar.

"What happened to you?" asked Hillary.
"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me a cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me!"

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, ‘I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.’”

The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

[Farmer808]

What does it take to circumsize a whale?




4 skin divers.

[BoltThrower]

Eli Manning walks into the family living room, where Archie Manning is relaxing in his recliner, reading the newspaper. Eli says, "Dad, I was just on a football message board and some Charger fans were calling me a 'prima donna'. What's a 'prima donna'?" Archie looks up from his paper and replies, "It's a Latin phrase that means 'Legend in Mississippi'. Now, go fetch your old man's slippers."

[BoltThrower]

Inspired by his brother's performance on Saturday Night Live, Eli Manning will begin working with a comedy troupe: Coughlin, Shockey, and Burress. Eli also proposed to his girlfriend of five years which frustrated Giants fans because they are still waiting for Manning to come around. Congratulations, Eli.... this is probably the only ring in your career.

[ftwbolt]

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"

He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and ask s her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just
yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her
body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.


The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!



Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"


"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"

[ChargersBoi]

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Corvette convertible. He
took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind
blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is
great," he thought as he roared up I-75. He pushed the pedal to the
metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a
highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. "I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and
he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then
110, 120 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to
catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Corvette and walked
up to the man. "Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in
10 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were
speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked
at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida State
Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back"

"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper

[ChargersBoi]

How to Tell the Sex of a Fly

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,2 were on the phone.

[ChargersBoi]

NEED TO BUY SOME SAUSAGE ???

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in TORONTO. However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband.The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts! The butcher understood again, and gave her some chickenbreasts.On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... (Please scroll down)












What were you thinking? Hellooooooo, her husband speaks English! Now get back to your emails. ......I don't know about you sometimes !!!

[Draako]

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. "Hello?”

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" "Yes."

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman ".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy ", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... “ME."

[Woodhikorn]

I heard a variation of this on "The Office".

There are three guys discussing their occupations and cars.
The first guy says "I'm an Astronaut and I drive a Saturn."
The second guy says "I'm a Pimp and I drive a cheap Escort."
The third guy says "I've got you both beat, I'm a Proctologist and I drive a Brown Probe."

[ftwbolt]

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and
look it over, as he hadn't been there in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon
bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices
shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a
bunch of
young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his
presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim
naked
or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[CBO]

THE GOOD HUSBAND

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian

"He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!".............


Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $1.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time. ..... PRICELESS!!!

[Chargers_Saints]

Dude that is great!

[CBO]

Yeah just got it from a friend this morning

[kcfan4life]

mike vick,cris henry ,and pac man jones are sitting in the back seat of a car ,who is driving........................................... .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. .................................THE POLICE

[Hamburglar]

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?





















40 pounds

[ftwbolt]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me. I
have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't
figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to
be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on
the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with
the puzzle. She lets him in
and shows him where she has the puzzle spread
all over the table. He studies
the pieces for a moment, then looks at the
box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're
not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a
tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want
you to relax. Let's have a nice
cup of tea, and then..."

He sighed..............

"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in
the box."

[Chargers Fan]

What has 120,000 legs and 24 teeth?

A Raiders home crowd.

[thehotdelancey]

Amalgum!!!!!

[TheCajunRules]

Amalgum!!!!!

That's a funny word! :LightsOut::LightsOut::LightsOut:

[ChargersBoi]

Hey TheCajunRules is that your pittbull?

[TheCajunRules]

Hey TheCajunRules is that your pittbull?

Used to be. He didn't have the heart of a champion though, unfortunately. I miss that dog. Thanks for bringing it up.

[thehotdelancey]

SOME-BODY Stop ME BeFORE I HURT SOMEONE I dont KNOW WHAT Im DOING

[ftwbolt]

This test is based on how cool you were in High School--what crowd you ran with, etc., but it's still pretty accurate and pretty funny even after all these years.

You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.

SEE IF YOU ARE A STILL A COOL PERSON

http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm

[electric banana]

A man goes out drinking with his buddies one evening. Before hand, he promises his wife that he'll be home by midnight since she began to tire of him coming home in the wee hours of the morning after being out drinking with his friends. So out he goes at about eight. Well the man has so much fun being out and about and getting drunk that he loses track of time and before he knows it it's quarter til two. "Oh no!" he shouts to his friends. "I gotta get home! She's gonna kill me for being out this late!"

So his buddies drop him off at his house and he goes inside. Just as he closes the front door behind him, the cuckoo clock on the wall cuckoos twice. The savvy fellow that he is, the man decides to cuckoo another ten times to give the illusion that it's only midnight in case his wife is up waiting for him. After cuckooing he goes upstairs into the bedroom to find his wife fast asleep. He gets under the covers, kisses his wife on the cheek and passes out.

The next morning he wakes up with a massive hangover and notices that his wife isn't laying next to him in bed. He gets up and heads downstairs and sees his wife cooking breakfast in the kitchen. "Good morning, honey," he says.

"Good morning, dear. I think we need a new cuckoo clock."

Wide eyed and now sweating the man says, "Oh? Why's that?"

The wife replies, "Well last night at midnight, the clock cuckooed twice, hesitated for about two seconds, cuckooed another four times, giggled, then cuckooed the remaining six times, farted, then tripped and broke the coffee table."

[electric banana]

A man schedules an appointment to see his doctor. As the doctor enters the room, the man sits there in his gown and says, "D.d.d.dd.dd.doctor, ya gotta h..h.h...h.hh.help me! My wife says she's g.g.g.g.gggg.g.gonna leave me if I don't stop ss.ss..s.s.stuttering!"

"I can see why!" says the doctor. On a hunch, the doctor tells the man to lift up his gown. "Well, no wonder you're stuttering! Your penis is so long, it's pulling on your vocal cords."

"Cc..cc.c.can you help me, doc?" the man asked.

"I think so," replied the doctor. He chops off six inches of the man's penis and then asks him to speak.

"My stutter is gone!" exclaimed the man. "Thank you so much!"

On a follow-up appointment a few days later, the man returns to the doctor's office. "Doc," he says, "I don't know how to go about telling you this but my wife has been so dissatisfied with our loving making the past few nights. She told me that she can put up with the stuttering and she wants to know if you can sew the six inches back on."

The doctor smiles slyly at the man and says, "T.t.t.t.t.tt.t.too l..l.l..l.late!"

[IceBowlBoltsFan]

The following are actual answers to 6th grade history and bible school tests collected by teachers. Notice the spelling errors were left in as this is part of the comedy.
__________________________________________________ __________________

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."

Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.

Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Fransis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. This also has a logical ring of truth.

Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species.

[Chargers_Saints]

lol... that's so fake

[SJSUPhil]

This is a great thread! Thank's for the laughs.

[ftwbolt]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She
said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You
might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ********
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her
drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old
girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

************************************************** ********

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly
the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and
little things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which
one are you?'
And then the fight started...

************************************************** ********

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy
with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near
perfect.'

And then the fight started.

[ftwbolt]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in thedriveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.


She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'


She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'


Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.


She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to haveTWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked h er how she knew. She said....


'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

[Antoine Cason]

http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/


If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901285)
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901548)
Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901303) Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901325)
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay's potato chip. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901441)
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901454)
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901480)
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. (http://19781.spreadshirt.com/us/US/Shop/?&product_id=2901491)

[BayAreaCharger]

Visitor: Knock, knock.

Jay Cutler: No one's home!

[ftwbolt]

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in thedriveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I starting jumping up and down along with her.


She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'


She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'


Then she said, 'There's more'
I asked, What do you mean there's more.


She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to haveTWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked h er how she knew. She said....


'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!'

[JudeAwakening]

Might be posted already but no time to look and a classic nonetheless...


An elementary teacher starts a new job at a school in Denver and
trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that
she's a Bronco fan. She asks the class to raise their hands if they
too are Bronco fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one
little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why
didn't you raise your hand?"

"Because I'm not a Bronco fan," she replied.

The teacher, still shocked, asked : "Well, if you're not a Bronco fan,
then who do you support?"

"I'm a Charger fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well Mary, will you explain
why you are a Charger fan?"

"Because my mom and dad are from San Diego , and my mom is a Charger
fan and my dad is a Charger fan, so I'm a Charger fan too!"

"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone,
"that's no reason for you to be a Charger fan. You don't have to be just like
your parents all of the time. What if your mom was a prostitute and your
dad was a drug addict and a car thief, what would you be then?"

Mary replied, "I'd be a Raiders fan."

[ftwbolt]

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.


One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.



The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bull$h!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

[RiversMVP08]

lol that was cool

[ftwbolt]

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to
try it again.


(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

[bigslick]

Chili Cook-Off
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at a chili cook-off in Texas.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park .
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield , IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer! during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy cow, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.
Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Rosie, the beer maid, was standing behind me
with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT .. just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 - LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Rosie saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming!

CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.
I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Rosie. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili pepper at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge #3 He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

[ftwbolt]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome
cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies:
'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers,
'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have
to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.
My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[ftwbolt]

A man is walking home alone late one foggy Halloween night, when behind him he hears:


BUMP...



BUMP...



BUMP...




Walking faster, he look back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.



BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP...





Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.




FASTER...



FASTER...




BUMP...




BUMP...




BUMP....



He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him. However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping.


clappity-B UMP...



clappity-BUMP...


clappity-BUMP...


on his heels, as the terrified man runs.



Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, he locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.



With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.









Bumping and clapping toward him.





The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup! Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...


and,




























The coffin stops .

[renojim]

Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina dog chow
for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder Dog and was in the checkout line
when woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't,
because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most
of my orifices and
IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry.

The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to
try it again.


(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish
Setter's a$$ and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. Target won't let me shop there anymore.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

Oh my god that is funny.