Jokes

[Chargeroo]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four worms into
four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of semen.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported
the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in semen - dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

The minister asked the congregation - "What can we learn
from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex,
you won't have worms."

[Chargeroo]

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright garment he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.


Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why do you call foryour red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.


Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned and calmly said:

-

-

-

-

-

"Quick, get me my brown pants."

[Shamrock]

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"

[Triknique]

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became impatient, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, part time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to do the do with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want her to wear protection." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[rule12b]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

[Electron]

Two guys walk into a room. They look down and see a dog licking his private parts.

The first guys says to the second guy, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

And the second guys says, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?"

[ftwbolt]

George Carlin's Views On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number ... or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.
Oooohh .what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED; we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now.
You're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong?
What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa!
Put on the brakes .. it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 .. and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!
You MAKE IT to 60.
You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there
Into the 90s, you start going backwards ...
"I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.

This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay "them!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
.
4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often . long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.

Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love ..

whether it's ... family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health.

If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall ... even to the next county .
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them .
at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

But do share this with someone.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming

"WOW -- What a Ride!"

[rule12b]

This guy and his blond girlfriend are walking along when suddenly a pigeon craps on the guy's head.

"Aw hell," he says to his girlfriend, "get me some toilet paper".

"Why?" she says, "That pigeon is at least a half mile away by now".

[MoveitMister]

Jokes aren't my strong point, so here goes......

A little boy walks up to his dad and asks, 'If big dogs can have little dogs and big cats can have little cats why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?'

The father, reading the paper, told his son, 'I don't know, but one day when we go to the airport you can ask a pilot.'

True to his word, the father and son went to the airport to pick up grandma on her next visit. The little boy even brought along one of his toy airplanes to amuse himself with.

While waiting for the plane to arrive a pilot walked off a plane and was headed to the lounge when the little boy spotted him and tore off after him. He yelled, 'Mr. Pilot! Mr. Pilot!'

The tired pilot who'd just finished a coast to coast run wanted nothing more than to relax and have a drink before heading to his hotel to sleep.

He stopped and fumbled around in his pocket to give the little boy a set of pilots wings and said, 'Hello, young man. What can I help you with?'

'My Daddy told me next time we came to the airport I could ask a real live pilot a question. Can I, huh?'

Expecting to discuss the merits of aviation, he said, 'Of course you can ask a question, what do you want to know?'

The little boy took a deep breath and belted his question out in one blast, at the top of his lungs. 'If big dogs can have little dogs and big cats can have little cats why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?'

The pilot, somewhat exasperated, looks down at the little boy and says, Son, where's your Father?'

With his Dad walking up behind him, the little boy pointed back at his father and said, 'That's him comin now.'

The pilot knelt down and pinned the wings on the little boy's shirt and whispered, 'You tell your Daddy this just as loud as you asked me your question. The reason big airplanes don't have little airplanes is because American Airlines always pulls out in time!'

He ruffled the boys hair and strode away before the unsuspecting father got an earful. i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif

[squabble]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big breasts."

[BoltheadEric]

A woman goes up to the pharmacist and says "My husband asked me to buy him some deodorant but I'm not sure what type to buy" The pharmacist asks "Well, what brand does he use? Mennen, Speed Stick, Degree?..." The woman responds "I don't know". The pharmacist figures he will break it down into simpler terms for the woman to see if he can at least get an idea of what type of deodorant her husband uses. The pharmacist asks "OK ma'am, does he use the ball type?" and the woman replies "Oh no, it's for under his arms!"

[HOSSman]

The various armed forces have very specific mission capabilities and they
adjust their rules of engagement accordingly. Below is a short list of the
battle tactics and rules of engagement for the separate services.

<u>US Marine Corp Rules for Gunfights</u>

1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly ENOUGH.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a "4."
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral &amp; diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win; The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years, nobody will remember the caliber, stance, or tactics. They will remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating.

<u>Navy SEALS Rules For Gunfights</u>

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Return quickly to looking cool in latest beach wear.
4. Check hair in mirror.

<u>US Army Rangers Rules For Gunfights</u>

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound backpack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from "Higher" to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound backpack while starving.

<u>Army Rules For Gunfights</u>

1. Select a new beret to wear
2. Sew combat patch on right shoulder
3. Change the color of beret you decide to wear

<u>US Air Force Rules For Gunfights</u>

1. Have a cocktail
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
3. See what's on HBO
4. Determine "what is a gunfight"
5. Request more funding from Congress with a "killer" Power Point presentation
6. Wine &amp; dine 'key' Congressmen, invite DoD &amp; defense industry executives
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets
8. Declare the assets "strategic" and never deploy them operationally
9. Ask the Navy to send the Marines

<u>US Navy Rules For Gunfights</u>

1. Go to Sea
2. Drink Coffee
3. Watch "adult entertainment" flicks
4. Send the Marines

[Shamrock]

I'd report that post, but the mod is a fricking Jarhead as well ..... i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

[HOSSman]

Originally posted by: Shamrock
I'd report that post, but the mod is a fricking Jarhead as well .....


i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

[Johndbr]

4. Send the Marines

Well ya didn't think we were going to do it did ya i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif Our edumication and ability to make command decisions make us to important for a fire fight. Why do you think they get such cool looking uniforms and a awesome add campaign? To succor them into do the dirty work lol

John B.

[Chargeroo]

Originally posted by: Shamrock
I'd report that post, but the mod is a fricking Jarhead as well .....
MiM was a BAM? Didn't know that! i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

You know what they say, "Once a BAM, always a BAM". i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif

[squabble]

A first grade teacher, Mrs Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?"
Johnny answered, "I am too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in third grade too."

Mrs Brooks had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Mrs Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6 ?"
Johnny: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grade should know. The principal looks at Mrs Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third grade."

Mrs Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him, some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.

Mrs Brooks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only 2 of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Mrs Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Mrs Brooks: "What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval and delicious and contains a whitish liquid?"
Johnny: "Coconut."

Mrs Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny takes charge.....
Johnny: "Bubblegum."

Mrs Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on 3 legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.....
Johnny: "Shake hands."

Mrs Brooks: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' questions, okay?"
Mrs Brooks: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Johnny: "Tent."

Mrs Brooks: "A finger goes inside me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: "Wedding Ring."

Mrs Brooks: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver?"
Johnny; "Arrow."

Mrs Brooks: "What word starts with F and ends in K and means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Johnny: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

[Chargeroo]

Dan Rather of CBS news was seated next to little Tommy on the plane when Rather turned to the boy and said, "Let's talk, I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passengers.

Little Tommy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to Rather, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know" said Rather, "How about ? Should we keep Bush as president or elect Kerry?"

"OK" said Little Tommy, "That could be an interesting topic but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat pattys, and a horse excretes clumps of dried grass. Why do you think that is?"

"Jeez" said Rather, "I have no idea."

"Well then" said Little Tommy, "How is it you feel qualified to discuss who should run this country when you don't know ****?"

[Triknique]

Dear Doctor,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous and after being married for seven years, and having a child each year, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are absolutely useless.

After getting married I was told to use the "Rhythm Method." Whilst trying the samba and the tango my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the Cha-cha.

My doctor then suggested we use the safe period. At this time we were living with the in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period, when the house was empty. Needless to say this didn't work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast-feeding we would be alright. It's hardly tastes like Coors, but I finished up with clear skin, silky hair and another child on the way.

Another old wives tale was if my wife jumped up and down after sex this would prevent pregnancy. After breast-feeding (from earlier), if my wife jumped up and down she would have ended up with two black eyes, and even knocked herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the condom. He demonstrated how easy it was to use so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn't surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over the thumb can prevent a baby.

My wife was then supplied with the coil and after many unsuccessful attempts to fit it we realized that we had got a left-handed thread and my wife is definitely a right-handed screw.

The Dutch cap came next. We were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all. But alas...it did give my wife a severe headache. We were given the largest size, but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the pill. At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started then to put it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she forgot it....another child resulted.

You must appreciate my problem: if this operation is unsuccessful I shall have to revert to oral sex. Although I don't mind just talking about it, it could never be the same as the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

Raiduh Fan

[Shamrock]

Why do Oklahoma girls date only guys who have sun roofs in their cars?

They need the leg room .....

[Triknique]

A young man goes to confession and says, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green every week for the last month." The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's."

Soon after, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Nookie Green twice a week for the last two months."

This time the priest questions, "Who is Nookie Green?"

"A new woman in the neighborhood," the sinner replies.

"Very well," sighs the priest. "Go and say ten Hail Mary's."

At Mass the next morning, as the priest prepares to deliver his sermon, a gorgeous, tall, drop dead gorgeous woman enters the sanctuary. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down right in front of the Priest!

Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.

The priest and altar boy gasp, as the woman in the matching green shoes and dress sits with her legs slightly spread apart. The priest turns to the altar boy and whispers, "Is that Nookie Green?"

The bug-eyed altar boy can't believe his ears but replies, "No, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes."

[Chargeroo]

Federal Aviation Agency
800 Independence Avenue S.W.
Washington DC. 20591


Dear Sirs:

I have the solution for the prevention of
hijackings, and at the same time getting our
airline industry back on its feet.

Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed
to look at naked women we
should replace all of our female flight
attendants with naked strippers.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for
fear of seeing a naked woman, and of course,
every businessman in this country would start
flying again in the hope of seeing a naked woman.

Hijackings would end and the airline industry
would have record sales.

Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still
have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,


Bill Clinton

[Triknique]

To: Tech Support

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of the phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0, but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell


To: Mr. Powell

This is a very common problem men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES AND ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run everything.

It is impossible to un-install, delete, or purge from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than their original system. Look in your manual under Warnings - Alimony / Child Support. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur. The
best course of action will be to push the apologize button, then the reset button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very
high maintenance.

[IronMountain1960]

Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away,
so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS"
next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on
a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out
from the biggest car and ask, "Hi, little girl,what do you have there
in the box?".

"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not
even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly,
returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator John
Kerry, called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl
and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day,
have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box
of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black
cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from
ABC, NBC,CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then,
Senator Kerry got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.

"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all
these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away
today."

"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise before so much of the media , Senator Kerry
said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were
DEMOCRATS."

Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have
their eyes open."

[ftwbolt]

10 reasons Texas is superior to Oklahoma

1 It's Texas, and it is superior to every state.

2 Oklahoma's chief export: Oklahomans. Can you blame them for leaving?

3 How many U.S. Presidents can you name who have called Oklahoma home?

4 There are no Oklahomans on the Longhorns' roster. Don't need 'em. Oklahomans will need help counting all the Texans on their roster.

5 Texans think Jeff Foxworthy's funny. Oklahomans think he's hitting a little too close to home.

6 Think back to the license plates that read "Oklahoma is OK." Even Oklahomans knew they were only OK.

7 Texas hasn't lost to Oklahoma State this century. Oklahoma has beaten Oklahoma State only once.

8 How do Oklahomans spell fun on a weekend night? "B-8, I-27, N-34, G-59, O-72."

9 Oklahomans believe Barry Switzer represents the best of their state. And Texans agree.

10 You know how every year Oklahoma fans have to worry about losing Bob Stoops to another school or the NFL? Texas fans don't have to worry about that with Mack Brown.


10 reasons Oklahoma is superior to Texas

1 First thing north of the Red River is the WinStar Casino. First thing south is a windowless p o r n barn.

2 Oklahomans don't have to reference a color-coded pollution alert before taking a deep breath outdoors.

3 OU ranks No. 1 in the nation among all public universities in National Merit Scholars enrolled per capita.

4 OU offers training for future UT coaches. Darrell Royal played football in Norman. Mack Brown carried Barry Switzer's clipboard in 1984.

5 Fewer Heisman winners on anxiety medication. So far, Jason White remains phobia-free. Ricky Williams is another story.

6 Rodgers and Hammerstein's Oklahoma! spent nearly five years on Broadway. The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas lasted less than four.

7 Oklahomans don't spend one-third of their lives sitting in traffic.

8 Where do anxious Texas state representatives go when they need to find a happy place? The Holiday Inn at Ardmore.

9 Oklahoma supplied Brad Pitt and Garth Brooks. Texas gave us Spanky McFarland (the overweight Little Rascal) and Anna Nicole Smith (the overweight gold digger).

10 Four in a row. 'Nuff said.

[pgorsy]

Today President Bush said Miami qualifies for disaster relief. Not for hurricane damage, just for the Dolphin football team.

John Kerry has been campaigning in Florida. He drew a great response when he asked Dolphin fans if they are better off now than they were four years ago.

Miami is 0-6, but some Dolphin fans are looking on the bright side. If you add their 1973 undefeated team to this one they're 17-6.

[ftwbolt]

Forgiveness
The preacher's, Sunday sermon was Forgive Your
Enemies.

He asked, how many have forgiven their enemies?

About half held up their hands.

He then repeated his question.

Now about 80% held up their hands.

He then repeated his question again.

All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your
enemies?" asked the
preacher.

"I don't have any." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
asked the preacher.

"Ninety-three." she replied.

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a
person cannot have an enemy in the world." asked the
preacher.

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the
aisle, and said, "It's
easy, I just outlived those b!tches."

[ftwbolt]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have
dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the
girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would
like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so
he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The
pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms
he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy
insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather
busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and
meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to
meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace
and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his
head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend
leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you
were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was
a pharmacist."

[squabble]

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!?!?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

[B0lthead]

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.


The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours, Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find the enclosed bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

[Triknique]

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her. When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks. She then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. She shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. She then asked the students again if the jar was full. They again agreed it was.

The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. Now, said the professor, I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.

But then... A student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for BEER i/expressions/beer.gif.

[Shamrock]

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

[Chargeroo]

The Great Wizard of Oz

The last four ex-U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they whirled to OZ. They finally make it to the Emerald City and came before the Great Wizard.

"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:" I've come for some courage."

"NO PROBLEM!" says the Wizard. "WHO IS NEXT?"

Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well........., I.......I think I need a brain."

"DONE" says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT AND POWERFUL OZ?"

Up stepped George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."

"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE!" says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."

There is a great silence in the hall. Bill Clinton is just standing there,looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

[mgpretzel]

Originally posted by: Shamrock
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"

"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."

"Social Security sex?"

"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

that is pretty funny i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

[Chargeroo]

Me And You Is Friends ...

You Smile, I Smile .....

You Hurt, I Hurt ....

You Cry, I Cry ...

You Jump Off A Bridge ...

I'm Gonna Miss Yo

[Chargeroo]

Subject: Her Diary, His Diary


HER DIARY


Saturday night I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say I love you too.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V.

He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else.

I decided that I could not take it anymore and to confront him with the situation, but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY

Today the Chargers lost. At least I got laid.

[snappysammy]

What did Raider wife say when dr. told her she was with child?

Are you sure it's mine

[snappysammy]

The new Hillary Chicken...............Small Breast.....Large Thighs...............................

[denverboltfan]

Originally posted by: IronMountain
Lil Suzy had a box of very small kittens that she was to give away,
so she had them out on the street corner with a sign "FREE KITTENS"
next to them.

Suddenly a big line of big black cars came up with a policeman on
a motorcycle in front. The cars all stopped and a tall man stepped out
from the biggest car and ask, "Hi, little girl,what do you have there
in the box?".

"Kittens," Lil Suzy says. "They're so small, their eyes are not
even open yet."

"What kind of kittens are they?" he asked.

"They are Democrats," says Lil Suzy. The tall man smiled broadly,
returned to his car and they drove away.

Sensing a great photo opportunity, the tall man, Senator John
Kerry, called his campaign manager and told him about the little girl
and the kittens. It was planned that they would return the next day,
have all the media there and tell everyone about these great kittens.

The next day, Lil Suzy is standing out on the corner with her box
of kittens with the "FREE KITTENS" sign and the big motorcade of black
cars pulled up again. This time with all the vans and trucks from
ABC, NBC,CBS, and CNN. Everyone had their cameras ready and then,
Senator Kerry got out of his limo and walked up to Lil Suzy.

"Now don't be frightened," he said, "I just want you to tell all
these nice news people just what kind of kittens you're giving away
today."

"Yes, sir," Suzy said, "they are all REPUBLICAN kittens."

Taken by surprise before so much of the media , Senator Kerry
said, "But honey, yesterday when I stopped, you told me that they were
DEMOCRATS."

Lil Suzy says, "Yes sir, I know I said that. But today, they have
their eyes open."

Funny joke but you have the political parties reversed.

[spysnipedis]

no he has them correctly.

[Thunderstruck]

Nothing will ruin this board faster than bringing politics (or religion) into it. i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif

[ftwbolt]

Ramblings of a Retired Mind -

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it'.

I thought about making a fitness movie, for folks my age, and call it "Pumping Rust."

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

I know, when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I want to say, "No, it's for company!"

Employment application blanks always ask 'who is to be notified in case of an emergency.' I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do -- write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail? Or better yet, arrest them while they are taking their pictures!

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me, they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

[Triknique]

Thanks to my friends who sent me such important emails this past year. It's so wonderful that you included me in your quest to inform! I'm sure you wish to thank me for the same!

Because of you:

I stopped drinking Coca-Cola after I found out from you that it's good for removing toilet stains. I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.

I smell awful, but thank goodness I stopped using deodorant because you said it causes cancer. I don't leave my car in any parking lot even though I sometimes have to walk about seven blocks, because you said that someone might drug me with a perfume sample and then try to rob me.

I also stopped answering the phone because you said that they will ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore, Tokyo and maybe the Mars Rover.

I stopped consuming several foods because you said the estrogen they contain may turn me gay.

I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because you told me they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their Big Macs.

I also stopped drinking anything out of a can - you said that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.

When I go to parties, I now don't mix with anybody - you said that someone will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

I donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. That poor sick girl that was about to die in the hospital. Funny thing, she never seems to get any older.

I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote, in anticipation of the $15,000.00 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail program. It's weird, though, that my new free cell phone never arrived, and neither did the passes for my paid vacation to Disneyland.

But I am positive that all this is because of the chain I broke or forgot to follow and I got a curse from hell.

[tourplayer2004]

Ten Commandments

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse... You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery" and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians! It creates a hostile work environment.

[tourplayer2004]

Toilet Seat

It isn't widely known, but the first toilet seat was invented by a Polish scientist in the 18th century. The invention was later modified by a Jewish inventor who put a hole in the seat.

[tourplayer2004]

One will have difficulty reading these and not laugh out loud! These
are real notes written from parents in a redneck school district.
(Spellings have been left intact.)

My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please
execute him.

Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30,
31,32, and also the 33.

Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating

Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a
tree and misplaced his hip.

John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face

Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in
the growing part.

Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by
veryclose veins.

Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He
had(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the ****s. [Words were crossed out in the (
)'s}

Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his
boots leak.

Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't
know what size she wear.

Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the
Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was
Sunday.

Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend
with the Marines.

Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not
breed well.

Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

Please excuse Brenda, she has been sick and under the doctor.

Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat,
headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the
best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around,
her father even got hot last night.

[tourplayer2004]

A REAL GOOD ANSWER...
A teacher in a small Massachusetts town asks her class how many of them are
Kerry fans. Not really knowing what a Kerry fan is, but wanting to be
liked by the teacher, all the kids raise their hands except one boy,
Johnny.
The teacher asks Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says,
"I'm not a Kerry fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Kerry fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why he's a George Bush fan.
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan, and my Dad's a George
Bush
fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher is kind of angry, because this is Massachusetts, so she says,
"What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was an idiot, what would that
make you?"
Johnny says, "That would make me a Kerry fan."

[tourplayer2004]

Why Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:


In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand-a-grand motherly, elderly woman.

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The Lawyer was stunned.

Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones. do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, a bigot, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you *******s asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry a$$es in jail for contempt."

[spysnipedis]

tourplayer2004 that was a nice joke, got me laughin.

[luv2fli2]

Oh the last one was a good one!

[Chargeroo]

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met
by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm
granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't
ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.
He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No
sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400
men in 6 months."

[wilrab]

Little Suzy's 2nd grade teacher was a Raider fan. She told her class she was a Raider fan and asked the children to raise their hands if they were Raider fans as well. Most of the children did not know what she was talking about but wanted to please their teacher so they all raised their hands except little Suzy.

The teacher asked little Suzy why her hand was not up and she said it was because she was a Charger fan. The teacher was shaken by this response and asked little Suzy why she was a Charger fan. Little Suzy replied "My Daddy is a Charger fan and my Mommy is a Charger fan so I am a Charger fan!"

Now the teacher is really mad. "Well, in that case, if your Daddy is a jackass and your Mommy is a moron, what would that make you?"

Little Suzy thought about that for a moment then answered.................







................"I guess that would make me a Raider fan!"

[wilrab]

What does marijuana and the raiders have in common?









They both get smoked in bowls!

[Riversrat]

The Law is the Law
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits
have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and mflooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no
later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water
Management Division




** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.




Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do
you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland

[Riversrat]

Top 10 comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is really a lovely horse, and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is absolutely, truly unique, except for the one behind it which is exactly identical to the one in front of the similar one in back."

4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none of them really that serious."

6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?

[luv2fli2]

Originally posted by: Riversrat
Top 10 comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:


10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?

If my husband decides to take up Golf, I will hunt you down and beat you with the clubs! LOL!!!

i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif

[Riversrat]

Originally posted by: luv2fli2

Originally posted by: Riversrat
Top 10 comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:


10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before each final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?

If my husband decides to take up Golf, I will hunt you down and beat you with the clubs! LOL!!!




ROFLMAO!!!!

[Riversrat]

Blond Guy Joke


An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.

[BrainLover]

News Flash: AL Davis and wife of 40 years granted Divorce. Judge says they are still Brother and Sister

[BrainLover]

Father ask his three daughters where they are going?

First daughter says I'm going with Joe to a Show, Father says "have a nice Time"

Second Daughter says I'm going with Clyde for a Ride, Father says "great, enjoy you ride"

Third daughter says I'm going with BUCK father says "YOUR STAYING HOME"

[BrainLover]

Did you hear about the two Abrabs sitting under a tree

"They were Eating their Dates"

[BrainLover]

Hey Buddy do you have two nipples for a Dime

[BrainLover]

Good news Bad News

Doctor says I have good news you. You have two weeks to live. Thats the goods what could be the bad news.

Doctor says I've Been calling you for the last week and half

[BrainLover]

The guy in the hotel room next to mine last night eats glass. I heard him tell his wife "Turn off the Light and I'll eat it"

[BrainLover]

Mixed Emotions

"Watching Six Raider fans going over a cliff in your new Mercedes"

[BrainLover]

Good girls go to heaven
Bad girls go everywhere

[tourplayer2004]

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."
....
........
...........
At that point, the proctologist fainted.

[tourplayer2004]

The Right Age for Cussing:

A 6-year old and a 4-year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year old. "I think it's about time we start cussing." The 4-year old nods his head in approval. The 6-year old continues. "When we go
downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say "hell" and you say "a$$". "OK!", the
4-year old agrees with enthusiasm.

They go downstairs and their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his a$$ every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?"

"I don't know", he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat a$$ it won't be Cheerios."

[luv2fli2]

Originally posted by: tourplayer2004
Cardiologist's Funeral:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral ... I'm a gynecologist."
....
........
...........
At that point, the proctologist fainted.

LMAO!!!!

[Shamrock]

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

[Thunderstruck]

A young indian boy asked his father, the chief, how he decided what to name his children.

"Well," said the chief, "When your brother was born, I stepped out of the teepee and the first thing I saw was a brown bear climbing a tree to get some honey. So I named him "Climbing Bear."

"And when your sister was born, I stepped out of the teepee, and the first thing I saw was a young deer, jumping over a tall shrub. So I named her 'Leaping Deer.'"

The young indian boy pondered that for a moment and was silent. The chief looked at him, after a few moments, he said...

"Why do you ask, Two Dogs Screwing?"

[luv2fli2]

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.

[luv2fli2]

Two football players were taking an important final exam. If they failed, they would be on academic probation and not allowed to play in the Sugar Bowl the following week. The exam was fill-in-the-blank. The last question read, "Old MacDonald had a _________."

Bubba was stumped. He had no idea of the answer. He knew he needed to get this one right to be sure he passed. Making sure the professor wasn't watching, he tapped Tiny on the shoulder. "Pssst. Tiny. What's the answer to the last question?"

Tiny laughed. He looked around to make sure the professor hadn't noticed then he turned to Bubba. "Bubba, you're so stupid. Everyone knows Old MacDonald had a farm."

"Oh yeah," said Bubba. "I remember now." He picked up his No. 2 pencil and started to write the answer in the blank. He stopped. Reaching to tap Tiny's shoulder again, he whispered, "Tiny, how do you spell farm?"

"You are really dumb, Bubba. That's so easy. Farm is spelled E-I-E-I-O."

[Chargeroo]

Nudist Colony

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current phot of himself in his new location.

Too embarressed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo of himself in half and mistakenly sends the bottom half to his grandmother.

He's really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You'd better change your hairstyle...
It makes your nose look short."

Love,
Grandma

[pgorsy]

A lot of people have been saying that it would be a cold day in hell before the Raiders won a big football game. Well they beat the Broncos in the Sunday night game in a driving snow. It wasn’t hell, but it was cold, and Al Davis WAS there REPRESENTING hell.

[denverboltfan]

A man was vacationing in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. During the vacation, the mother-in-law passed away. The man contacted the director of the local funeral home. The funeral home director said " For $5,000, we will send the body back to the U.S. for funeral services and burial. For $150, we will have the services and bury her here." The man said "Send her back to the U.S." The funeral director scratched his head and asked why the man was willing to spend so much more to send the body back to the U.S. The man replied "2000 years ago, a man died and was buried here. He rose from the dead three days later. I just can't take that chance."

[Triknique]

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.
After lying in bed a few minutes the old man rips one and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's gas football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says -
"Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man rips one again and says -
"Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, -
"Touchdown, tie score!"
Five seconds go by and she lets out a tiny one and says -
"Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he pushes real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of ripping one he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the hey was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

[Chargeroo]

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."
--Johnny Carson

"My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law."
--Jerry Seinfeld

[Shamrock]

"The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I've ever seen that I didn't have to clean." – Erma Bombeck

[ftwbolt]

Political Thoughts...

1) Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress. But I repeat myself............Mark Twain

2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into
prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself
up by the handle..........Winston Churchill

3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on
the support of Paul........George Bernard Shaw

4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man,
which debt he proposes to pay off with your money....G. Gordon Liddy

5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep
voting on what to have for dinner..............James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor
people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries........Douglas
Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University

7) Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey
and car keys to teenage boys.................P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else............Frederic
Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.....Ronald Reagan 1986)

10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report
the facts................Will Rogers

11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see
what it costs when it's free..........P.J. O'Rourke

12) If you want government to intervene domestically, you're a
liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you're a
conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you're a
moderate. If you don't want government to intervene anywhere, you're an
extremist.......Joseph Sobran, Former Editor of the National Review (1995)

13) In general, the art of government consists in taking as much
money as possible from one party of the citizens to giveto the
other.........Voltaire (1764)

14) Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't
mean politics won't take an interest in you..........Pericles (430 B.C.)

15) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.....Mark Twain (1866)

16) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.......Unknown

17) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the
other.........Ronald Reagan

18) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery........Winston Churchill

19) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is
that the taxidermist leaves the skin.......Mark Twain

20) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools.........Herbert Spencer, English
Philosopher (1820-1903)

21) There is no distinctly native American criminal
class............save Congress.......Mark Twain

22) What this country needs are more unemployed
politicians........Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

23) A government big enough to give you everything you want, is
strong enough to take everything you have.........Thomas Jefferson,
Famous Revolutionary

[ftwbolt]

Home Repairs



George was fixing the front door and he found that he needed a new hinge,

so

he sent his wife Louise to the hardware store.



At the hardware store Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while

she

was waiting for Henry, the manager, to finish waiting on another customer.

When Henry was finished, Louise asked, "How much for the teapot? " Henry

replied, "That's real silver and it costs $500."



"My goodness, that sure is a lot of money!" Louise exclaimed. Then she

proceeded to describe the hinge that George had sent her to buy, and Henry

went to the back room to find it. From the back room Henry yelled,

"Louise,

you wanna screw for that hinge?"



Louise hollered back, " Well, no..... but I will for that teapot."

[Chargeroo]

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.


"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

[rrogers]

Originally posted by: Chargeroo
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem."
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.


"Gee, Mom," he exclaimed. "For me?"

"Just take two," Brenda replied. "The rest are for your father."

Thats funny, now I know why my wife gives me pancakes.

[ftwbolt]

The Female Brain Cell

Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened
to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but heard no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at
the top of her voice," HELLO!!! IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away: "We're down here..."

[Chargeroo]

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're
in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning
over you, what would you like them to say? "

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a Fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"

[Shamrock]

&gt; IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
&gt;
&gt; They walk among us..............scary!!
&gt;
&gt;

[chargerchick]

Didn't know where to put this.. so in here it goes lol..

Now that's a hard core surfer!! i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2005/01/23/nyregion/23snowd_slide2.jpg

[chargerchick]

Beer saves man from avalanche lol (http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_1261997.html)

[ftwbolt]

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that
they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a
business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an
outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three
different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home.

13. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the
screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.

[chargerchick]

Originally posted by: ftwbolt
You know you're living in 2005 when...


19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.


LMAOOO... yup.. I did..... too funny

[ftwbolt]

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in

Texas. Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.

Seeing some on sale oneday, he buys them and wears them

home, walking proudly. He saunters into the house and

says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks him over and says, "Nope."

Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom,

undresses, and walks back into the room, completely



naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little

louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?"



Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's

hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,



it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."



Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S

HANGING DOWN, BESSIE?? IT'S HANGING DOWN



BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"



To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray.

Shoulda bought a hat.
__________________

[CoronaDoug]

Ed Zachary Disease

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;not had a date or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;therapist, Dr. Chang.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;all your crose."

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; The woman did as she was told.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; "Now get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;room."

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;me."

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;As she did, Dr Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;is Ed Zachary Disease?"

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt; Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied:

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your

&gt;&gt;&gt;&gt;ass."

[TrabucoWR]

What do you call a raider fan with a 6th grade education?




A genius.

[denverboltfan]

Originally posted by: Shamrock
&gt; IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
&gt;
&gt; **********
&gt;
&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an car dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
&gt;
&gt; They walk among us..............scary!!
&gt;
&gt;

As Foxworthy would put it, here are your signs.

[chargertom]

An elderly couple is celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary. On the morning of their anniversary, the husband comes downstairs for his usual morning coffee, and finds his wife naked in the kitchen. Breakfast is laid out on the table, and she is sitting there with a shy smile on her face.

The wife tells him "Honey ... let's do just like we did 60 years ago. Let's eat breakfast together at the table, naked."

The husband knows that if he doesn't comply, not only will he hurt his wife's feelings but he will have to listen to her complaints about it for who knows how long. Grudgingly he agrees to do as she asks.

After a few moments of them sitting there together, naked, the wife looks longingly across the table and tells her husband "Honey it's just like 60 years ago. I can feel it. My nipples are hot, just like they were back then.

To which the husband replies "They should be ... one's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

Go Chargers ... of all ages!!

[IgorUnchained]

&gt; IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!" (Quoted from Shamrock)

This same exact conversation happened between my gf and I about 4 years ago!

While that is stupid, there are braille numbers on drive up ATMs!

[geckoguy]

Doc: I will not fight with you against your enemies. I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on?
Tucker: No dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he's talking a about a pacifier
Tucker: Oh yeah, I was totally thinking about something else.

-Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles

[chargertom]

What do Michael Jackson and JC Penney's have in common?

They both have little boys pants half off!

Go Chargers!

[Shamrock]

What time is bed time at Michael Jackson's house?

When the big hand is on the little hand .....

[chargertom]

A guy runs into a bar and tells the bartender to give him 6 shots of whiskey, and hurry!

He does, and the guy downs them all. He then orders 6 more. The bartender pours them, and the guy pounds them down one after another.

He orders 6 more ... and the bartender tells him "Before I pour the next 6, tell me why you're in such a hurry."

The guy says "You'd be in a hurry too, if you had what I have."

The bartender asks him "What do you have?"

And the guy says ... "A dollar!"

i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif

Go Chargers!!

[IgorUnchained]

http://img126.exs.cx/img126/7229/starwars494sv.jpg
Eli Manning at the star studded premier of Star Wars - Revenge of the Sith

[chargertom]

A man asks a woman: "Do you know the difference between sex and a cheeseburger?"

The woman thinks about it for a few seconds, then says she doesn't.

To which the man replies "Good. Let's do lunch sometime!"

Men feel free to use this line, if you want. Women ... beware this line if you hear it! i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif

Go Chargers!!

[ftwbolt]

Originally posted by: chargertom
A man asks a woman: "Do you know the difference between sex and a cheeseburger?"

The woman thinks about it for a few seconds, then says she doesn't.

To which the man replies "Good. Let's do lunch sometime!"

Men feel free to use this line, if you want. Women ... beware this line if you hear it!

Go Chargers!!

I tried that on my wife..........................it did'nt work. i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif

[IgorUnchained]

you know the difference between your "manhood" and your paycheck?

Your wife loves to blow your paycheck!


With all respect to Thunderstruck for originally posting this....I would like to post it for some of the newer viewers http://www.tekzoned.com/whatswrong/ Let your eyes adjust and see what is wrong with that picture!

[ftwbolt]

Truisms
If you're not familiar with the
work of Steven Wright, he's the
famous
scientist who once said: "I woke
up one morning and all of my
stuff had
been stolen ... and replaced by
exact duplicates". His mind
sees
things
differently than we do, to our
amazement and amusement. Here
are some
more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace
Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists
-- they don't expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are
below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a
bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are
made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts
when all your other parts feel so
good.
7- A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you
gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in
psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the
worm, but the second mouse gets
the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic
girlfriend but she left me before we
met.
12- OK, so what's the speed of
dark?
13- How do you tell when you're
out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be
going well, you have obviously
overlooked
something.
15- Depression is merely anger
without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming
your way, you're in the wrong
lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for
not having enough sense to
avoid work.
18- Hard work pays off in the
future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever --
so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why
do you have to buy her
friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet
engines.
22- What happens if you get
scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, "I
couldn't repair your brakes, so I
made your horn
louder."
24- Why do psychics have to ask
you for your name?
25- If at first you don't
succeed, destroy all evidence that
you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place
where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you
don't get until just after you
need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness
of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one
person is plagiarism; to steal from
many is
research.
30- The problem with the gene
pool is that there is no
lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind,
the more time you'll have to
catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table,
the more of your body is
required to be on
it.
33- Everyone has a photographic
memory, some just don't have
film.

[IgorUnchained]

I love Steven Wright (known to the younger generation as "the guy on the couch")-- here are a couple others I remember.

I want to tie a piece of toast, buttered side up, on the back of a cat and then drop it.

I bought a brand new phone, brought it home, hit "redial" and I went back in time.

All of my house plants are dead......I shot them.

Why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?

A guy asked me if I knew what time it was, I said "yes, but not right now"

Anyone who likes Steven Wright should check out Mitch Hedburg.....very funny in the same way.

[GusJohnson]

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.


The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug
through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.


"What does it look like?" she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, "Its square and it has your picture on it."


The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman. "Here it is," she said.


The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

[Shamrock]

Hey Gus,

How's that TV gig ..... ???

[miceemic]

A woman has a difficult labor and after giving birth, the child is wisked away before the mother can see it. The next day, the doctor goes to see the mother.

The doctor says, "Ma'am, I have some bad news concerning your baby."

"No, don't tell me that! I want to see my baby!" says the mother.

The doctor agrees and leads the mother into a room with three incubators. The mother stops at the first incubator and sees a baby with no arms and shrieks, "No, no, no, no! My baby has no arms! My baby will never be able to hug me!"

The doctor responds, "Ma'am. Please calm down, this is not your baby."

The mother the stops at the 2nd incubator and sees a baby with no arms and no legs. She screams, "Oh my God! My baby has no arms and no legs! My baby will never be able to play sport!"

The doctor says, "Ma'am please control yourself. This is not your baby."

The woman then runs to the final incubator which contains a giant eyeball. The woman screams, "Lord no! My baby is just an eyeball! I can't believe it! My baby is just an eyeball! What will I do!"

The doctor says, "Ma'am. Ma'am, please calm down. Ma'am, PLEASE!" The woman's shrieks and sobs start to subside when the doctor says "Ma'am, I'm sorry to say this, but that is not the worst part."

"What?! Tell me now! TELL ME!!"

The doctor pauses then says...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Ma'am, your baby is blind"

[GusJohnson]

Originally posted by: Shamrock
Hey Gus,

How's that TV gig ..... ???

Well since Football season is over, it's kinda a slow.
Have a lot of free time on my hands.

[chargertom]

Why does Michael Jackson like dating twenty eight year olds?

Because there's twenty of them! i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif

Go Chargers!!

[ftwbolt]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his
devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman, and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little
about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the
job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought
long and hard about it, and when no one else applied
she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than the drunk.


He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours
every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks,
the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very
well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the
hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the
ranch looks great. You should go into town an kick up
your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he
didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He
returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the
room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She
quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my
boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take
off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He
slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in
the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it
to the floor. "Now," she said, "take off my panties."
By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down
and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my
clothes into town again, you're fired."

[ftwbolt]

The Blondest Joke



Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat
down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news
was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a
tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do
you think he'll jump?" Homer said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed 20 dollars on
the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive
off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and
handed her 20 dollars to Homer, saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5
o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Homer took the money............

[ftwbolt]

Try this Interesting Test

The average person only gets 7 right. This is based on U.S. &amp; CDN

info, so use all lobes of your brain.

This can be more difficult than it looks-it just shows how little

most of us really see!

There are 27 questions about things we see every day or have known

about all our lives. How many can you get right? These little simple

questions are harder than you think-it just shows you how little we

pay attention to the commonplace things of life. Put your thinking caps

on.

No cheating! No looking around! No getting out of your chair! No

using anything on or in your desk or computer! Can you beat 20?? (The

average is 7)

Write down your answers and then check your answers (on the bottom)

only AFTER completing all the questions.

REMEMBER - NO CHEATING!!! -- BE HONEST!!!

That means no looking at your phone or anything on your desk...Then,

before you pass this on to your friends, change the number on the

subject line to show how many you got correct. Forward to your friends

and also back to the one who sent it to you.

LET'S JUST SEE HOW OBSERVANT YOU REALLY ARE.

1. On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?

2. How many states are there in the USA? (Don't laugh, some people

don't know)

3. In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?

4. What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?

5. What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?

6. When you walk does your left arm swing with your right or left leg?

7. How many matches are in a standard pack?

8. On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?

9. What is the lowest number on the FM dial?

10. Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?

11. Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?

12. How many channels on a VHF TV dial?

13. On which side of a women's blouse are the buttons?

14. Which way do fans rotate?

15. What is on the back of a Canadian dime?

16. How many sides does a stop sign have?

17. Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?

18. How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?

19. How many sides are there on a standard pencil?

20. Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?

21. How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?

22. On which playing card is the card maker's trademark?

23. On which side of a Venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the

opening between the slats?

24. On the back of a Canadian $1 coin, what is in the center?

25. There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear

no digits?

26. How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?

27. Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?


Answers to follow i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

[chargertom]

1. Bottom
2. 50
3. Right
4. red, white, blue, gold, black and yellow
5. Zero and One
6. Right
7. 20
8. Red
9. 87.1
10. Left
11. Counter clockwise
12. 13
13. Left
14. Clockwise
15. Maple Leaf
16. Eight
17. Left
18. Four
19. Six
20. Bashful
21. Eight
22. Ace of Spades
23. Left
24. No Clue
25. # and *
26. Three
27. Counter Clockwise
Next time do U.S. currency! i/expressions/face-icon-small-smile.gif
How'd I do?

Go Chargers!!

[ftwbolt]

ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right

4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &amp;gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 88

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. Towards bottom right

12. 12 (no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it

15. The Bluenose (ok, what's that?

16. 8

17. Left

18. 5

19. 6

20. Bashful

21. 8

22. Ace of spades

23. Left

24. Loon

25. *, #

26. 3

27. Counter

[CTCHARGER]

Originally posted by: ftwbolt
ANSWERS

1. Bottom

2. 50

3. Right

4. Blue, red, white, yellow, black, &amp;gold

5. 1, 0

6. Right

7. 20

8. Red

9. 88

10. Clockwise (north of the equator)

11. Towards bottom right

12. 12 (no #1)

13. Left

14. Clockwise as you look at it

15. The Bluenose (ok, what's that?

16. 8

17. Left

18. 5

19. 6

20. Bashful

21. 8

22. Ace of spades

23. Left

24. Loon

25. *, #

26. 3

27. Counter

I had six wrong if you count the canadian questions!

[chargertom]

Two blondes are walking through a parking lot, when one of them finds a mirror on the ground.

She picks it up, and then says "You know ... this person looks familiar."

The other one says "Let me see." She then looks in the mirror for a minute, and then says "Duh stupid, it's me!!"

Go Chargers!

[ftwbolt]

It was October and the Indians on a remote
reservation asked their
&gt;new
Chief if the coming winter was going to be
cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he
had never been taught
the
old secrets. When he looked at the sky he
couldn't tell what the
winter
was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on
the safe side he told
his
tribe that the winter was indeed going to be
cold and that the
members
of the village should collect firewood to be
prepared. But being a
practical leader, after several days he got
an idea He went to the
phone
booth, called the National Weather Service
and asked, "Is the coming
winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be
quite cold" the
meteorologist
at
the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and
told them to collect even
more
firewood in order to be prepared. A week
later he called the
National
Weather Service again. "Does it still look
like it is going to be a
very
cold winter?"

"Yes," the man at National Weather Service
again replied, "it's
going to
be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and
ordered them to collect
every scrap of firewood they could find. Two
weeks later the Chief
called the National Weather Service again.
"Are you absolutely sure
that
the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking
more and more like it
is
going
to be one of the coldest winters ever."

"How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are
collecting firewood like
crazy."

[ftwbolt]

40 Second Test

This was alledgedly developed as an age test by an R&amp;D
department at Harvard University.

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without a mistake. The average person over 40 years of
age can't do it!

1. This is this cat

2. This is is cat

3. This is how cat

4. This is to cat

5. This is keep cat

6. This is an cat

7. This is old cat

8. This is person cat

9. This is busy cat

10. This is for cat

11. This is forty cat

12. This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the third word in each line from
the top down.

[Chargeroo]

My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She
thought she was God and I didn't.

[SDFAN42]

What's the difference between God and Al Davis?

God doesn't think He's Al Davis.

[Shamrock]

Hey, this is ME !!!

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Cowtown .....

What do you call an Oklahoma farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp !!!

[Shamrock]

A Letter From A Redneck Mother To Her Son


Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

[ftwbolt]

Originally posted by: Shamrock
Hey, this is ME !!!

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck


2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.





!

You forgot Outhouse diggings i/expressions/face-icon-small-happy.gif

[IgorUnchained]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in Hell. As he's wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with a demon.

"Why so glum?" asks the demon.

"Why do you think? I'm in hell, aren't I!"

"Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here," explains the demon., "You a drinking man?"

"Sure, I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then because all we do on Mondays is drink whiskey, tequila, and scotch.", "Gee, that sounds great!" reckons the man.

"And you're gonna love Tuesdays because we get the finest cigars from all over the world and we smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer it's no big deal because, heck, you're already dead!"

"Wow, that's awesome!" reckons the man.

"And on Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt it's no big deal because, heck, you're already dead!"

"Gee, that sounds great too!" reckons the man.

"Thursdays is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want because, heck, you're already dead!"

"Wow, I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" reckons the man.

"Are you gay?" asks the demon.

"No..."

"Ooooh," the demon grimaces, "then you're gonna hate Fridays!"

[Chargeroo]

While waiting to register at a hotel, I overheard the couple ahead of me asking for a room with a king, queen or double bed. The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds. Disappointed, the man remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years." "Could you possibly put them close together?" the wife asked. Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic." Then the woman finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want to be able to punch him."

[chargertom]

A guy dies and goes to hell. Once he arrives he is greeted by Satan himself. Satan takes him on a tour, and then tells the guy that he loves to give the newbies there some choices. So they walk up to a door, and Satan opens it. Inside is a guy chained to a wall, and a little demon is slowly peeling off his skin. Satan asks the guy "Is this how you'd like to spend eternity?" The guy quickly says no. They go to another door and Satan opens it. Inside, there are two demons, and they are taking turns hitting a guy chained to the floor with little hammers. Again Satan asks if this is how the guy would like to spend eternity. Again, he says no. They go to the third door. Satan opens it, and inside there is another guy chained to a wall. 10 little demons are inside, throwing darts at the guy. He has hundreds of darts sticking out of him everywhere. Satan asks the man again if this is how he wants to spend eternity. Immeditely comes the "no" answer. Satan takes the man to a fourth door. They open it, and inside is a man having sex with a beautiful woman on a huge round bed. The room is nicely decorated, and there are candles, and music playing. Satan turns to the man and asks him "Is this how you want to spend eternity?" And the guy, excited beyond all belief, immediately tells him yes. Satans asks if he is sure, and the guy again says yes, even more emphatically than the first time.

Satan walks over to the bed, taps the woman on the shoulder and says "You can go now ... your replacement is here."

:D

Go Chargers!!

[LTfan4life]

1. Why don't rabbits make noise when they're making love?

A: they have cotton balls :D

2. Why did the ram fall of the cliff?

A: He didn't see the ewe turn :D

[TD4LT]

a rabbi a preacher and a blonde walk in to a bar
the bar tender looks at them and says
"is this a joke"

[IgorUnchained]

:p

Speaking of bartenders, I am one- and I work at a cool, yet rundown dive bar full of scumbags. Last night one of my regulars came in drunk off of her butt and said (lounder and grouchier than usual) "Beertender, give me a dribble Martoonie and put a pickle in it!"
I knew what she meant and I so I shook and prepared her drink for her, took her money, and shook my head as I walked away.

Not ten minutes later I hear her again...."Beertender, get me another dribble martoonie and put a pickle in it!".
Once again I prepare the drink...take the money...shake the head.

By now I am keeping an eye on her and watching as she is getting more and more unruly and loud. Finally she pipes up again, at the top of her lungs....BEERTENDER! "Get me another dribble martoonie, but dont put a pickle in it....Ive got heartburn"

I couldnt take it anymore and I snapped at the lady..."Look lady, Im not a Beertender Im a bartender!" "That isnt a dribble martoonie it is a double martini!" "That isnt a pickle it is an olive"......................



"And you dont have heartburn, your left breast is in the ashtray!"

[chargertom]

Hey Igor ... I'll bet you're not laughing about this ...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7434398/?GT1=6428

Bummer!

Go Chargers!

[IgorUnchained]

Hey Igor ... I'll bet you're not laughing about this ...

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/7434398/?GT1=6428

Bummer!

Go Chargers!

That is nothing new to us! I work at a bar less than a block away from the courthouse and the police station. While drinking and driving has always been an issue, open containers on our block makes more money for the state than property taxes I would wager!

The bad thing is that Helena is becoming a smoke free city (again). They already pulled this on us before and EVERY bar lost money. The kicker is that people had to smoke outside....and my bar isnt a place where people want to leave their drink sitting around when they are outside......so if you take your drink outside when you smoke....OPEN CONTAINER! If it is cold outside (In Montana? nawwww!) and you get in your warm car (without it running or just with the heater on) you can get a DUI as well as an open container ticket.

There is just no winning anymore.

The little county I grew up in has only one traffic light in the whole area (a flashing 4 way stop light) has always had the open container "right". You could drive down the road and tip your beer to the cop as you passed him and nothing could be done about it....but "driving while intoxicated" has always been against the law. It was like the seatbelt law before you could get pulled over for not wearing your seatbelt. Back then they had to pull you over for something else to give you a "no seatbelt ticket".

[LTfan4life]

Top 10 comments made by sports commentators that I'm sure they would like to take back:

9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

ROFLMAO!!!! :D :D :D

[chargertom]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None, it should be open when she brings it to you.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

These will probably get us shot .. but oh well.

Why do brides wear white?
The husband wants the dishwasher to match the fridge and stove.

Remember folks ... these are only jokes!!!

Go Chargers!

[IgorUnchained]

The women-folk are going to string you guys up by your cajones!


I actually heard of a few AI (aritificial intelligence) students at MIT that have created the worlds first "perfect female" robot!
It has 3 buttons.....

The first one says "cook and clean"


The second one says "kiss south and make love"


and the 3rd button says "Off"

[TD4LT]

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

[TD4LT]

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, "What's in the bags?"
"Sand," answers Juan.

The guard says, "We'll just see about that - get off the bike." The guard takes the bags and rips them apart. He empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, "What have you got?"

"Sand," says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every week for three years. Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in Mexico.

"Hey, Buddy," says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It's driving me crazy. It's all I think about. I can't sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"

Juan sips his beer and says, "Bicycles."

[IgorUnchained]

I just wanted to say that I really liked those two jokes TD!

I have told the border one twice and neither time did the person get the joke...I need to learn how to tell a joke or I need friends with better sense of humor.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch.

The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch!"

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.

The man sips the drink and says, "Now that's more like it."

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling, "WHY, THIS TASTES LIKE URINE!"

To which the old drunk replies, "That's right, now guess how old I am."

[spysnipedis]

LOL, those were some good jokes, i like the border one too.

[Chargeroo]

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. When Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived at the French Customs checkpoint in Paris, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on bag.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready," snipped the Frenchman.

Mr. Whiting replied, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show my passport."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" asserted the officer, loudly enough to draw attention.

The American senior gave the French custom officer a long hard look. Then he quietly explained: "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate your country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

[chargertom]

Anyone wanna buy some French rifles? Make ya a good deal ... Never been fired, and only dropped once.

Go Chargers!

[sdchrger]

"Come back here and we shall taunt you some more"

[Chargeroo]

This is funny!!!!

Hi.

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

" I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his place of business, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister.


I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full good and loving people."..

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE

[IgorUnchained]

((((((((((( ring-g-g-g-g)))))))))))
"Hello?"
"Hi, honey, this is Daddy .... Is your Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
After a brief pause, Daddy says:
"But you haven't got an Uncle Frank,honey!"
"Oh Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now!"
"Uh, Okay, then, here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, go upstairs
and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that
Daddy's car's just pulled up outside the house."
"Okay, Daddy!"
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"Well,I did what you said, Daddy."
"And what happened?" he asks.
"Well, Mommy got all upset, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went flying out the
front window and now she's like all dead."
"Oh my God!!!!! And what about your Uncle Frank?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he
jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have
forgotten that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit
the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's real dead too."
***long pause***
***more pause****
Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool???? Isn't this 555-7039?"

[ftwbolt]

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal "

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"

[LTfan4life]

A blonde was trying to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon.

The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal "

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it'. Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic.

About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it!"


:D Thats a good one

[TD4LT]

I just wanted to say that I really liked those two jokes TD!"
thanks yours are pretty funny too
here is another bartender one
bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

Bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs!."

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
i

[IgorUnchained]

That was a good one LT....I had to think about that one! Barbituate = BarBitchYouAte! That is clever!

[LTfan4life]

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
i


LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Chargeroo]

Last night my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive -


so I took her to the gas station. :)

[IgorUnchained]

A fellow was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get my
wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to
buy anything she wants, so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate saying
she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way that she wants it. She'll
probably be thrilled."

So the fellow did.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes, I did," said the fellow.

"...And did she like it?" His buddy asked.

"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out
the door yelling, "I'll be back in an hour!!!"

[C}{ARG3R]

I found this on the web thought it was kinda funny so had to fix it up a bit. :p

There was a Chargers fan with a really crappy seat at The Q. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.
When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?"
The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Chargers fan."
The other man replied,"I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"
The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

[Chargeroo]

Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it...


When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol.

*Why?*


Because alcohol kills germs.

So......

I walk to the liquor store (Exercise).

I put lime in my Corona (Fruit).

Celery in my Bloody Mary (Veggie).

Drink outdoor at the patio bar (Fresh Air).

Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (Relieve Stress).

Then pass out (Rest).

The way I see it.... If you keep your alcohol levels
up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Cheers!

Remember, It's always five o'clock somewhere :)

[rule12b]

THis is a true story. . .

On the TGV (french bullet train) going from Nice to Paris about 10 years ago on a trip with friends and it breaks down. For over an hour we sit motionless on the crowded train. In exasperation, and in a too loud voice, my friend says:

"Bullet Train?!? Jesus Christ, German tanks get to Paris faster than this. . ."

THere were a LOT of hostile looks sent our way. . .

[Chargeroo]

Prince Charles was driving around his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, a corgi, crushing it to a pulp.



He got out of his Range Rover and sat down on the grass totally distraught. The whole world was against him and now his mother would go ballistic.



Suddenly he noticed a lamp half-buried in the ground. He dug it up, polished it and immediately a genie appeared.



'You have freed me from thousands of years of imprisonment,' said the genie. 'As a reward I shall grant you one wish.'



'Well,' said the Prince, 'I have all the material things I need, but let me show you this dog.' They walk over to the splattered remains of the dog. 'Do you think you could bring this dog back to life for me?' the Prince asked.



The genie carefully looked at the remains and shook his head.



'This body is too far gone for even me to bring it back to life. Is there something else you would like?'



The Prince thought for a minute, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman called Diana,' said Prince Charles, showing the genie the first photo. 'But now I love this woman called Camilla,' and he showed the genie the second photo. 'You see Camilla isn't beautiful at all, so do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'



The genie studied the two photographs and after a few minutes said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

[IgorUnchained]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peac ock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[IgorUnchained]

A 49ers fan, a Raiders fan, and a Chargers fan were all debating the virtues of their teams when the 9ers fan and the Chargers fan picked up a strange bottle off of the ground and struck the Raiders fan in the mouth. When the Bottle broke, a weird vapor came out and a genie appeared from the vapor.

"I would grant my master 3 wishes, but since you all helped to free me, I will give you each one wish!"

The 49ers fan knew what he wanted! "My wish is for a stadium unlike any other in the NFL. There will be Lazy Boy recliners for seats, free beer, and a retractable roof, and best of all there will be no stairs in the whole place...only escalators!"

Poof it was done


The Raiders fan butted in and said " My wish is for a Huge Stadium where all Raiders fans can live, with penthouse apartments for the Black Hole! There will be spikes and barbed wire, gun turrets and walls so high and airtight that no Chargers fans can get in!"

Poof it was done






The Genie asked the Charger fan what his wish was. The Chargers fan said "You know that Huge airtight stadium with the high walls where all the Raiders fans live?"

The genie answered....."yes"


"Fill it full of water!" :Bolt: :)

[spysnipedis]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peac ock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

I like that one

[TD4LT]

A 49ers fan, a Raiders fan, and a Chargers fan were all debating the virtues of their teams when the 9ers fan and the Chargers fan picked up a strange bottle off of the ground and struck the Raiders fan in the mouth. When the Bottle broke, a weird vapor came out and a genie appeared from the vapor.

"I would grant my master 3 wishes, but since you all helped to free me, I will give you each one wish!"

The 49ers fan knew what he wanted! "My wish is for a stadium unlike any other in the NFL. There will be Lazy Boy recliners for seats, free beer, and a retractable roof, and best of all there will be no stairs in the whole place...only escalators!"

Poof it was done


The Raiders fan butted in and said " My wish is for a Huge Stadium where all Raiders fans can live, with penthouse apartments for the Black Hole! There will be spikes and barbed wire, gun turrets and walls so high and airtight that no Chargers fans can get in!"

Poof it was done






The Genie asked the Charger fan what his wish was. The Chargers fan said "You know that Huge airtight stadium with the high walls where all the Raiders fans live?"

The genie answered....."yes"


"Fill it full of water!" :Bolt: :)
very creative nice!

[ftwbolt]

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

[Chargeroo]

Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles, La. refinery.


A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same
qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager.


Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the
questions.


The manager went to Bubba and said: "Thank you for your interest, but we've


decided to give the Yankee the job."


Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job?


We both got nine questions correct. This being Louisiana, and me
being a Southern boy I should get the job!"


The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct
answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."


Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than
the other?"


The manager replied: "Bubba, its like this. On question #4 the Yankee put
down; "I don't know."


You put down, "Neither do I.

[thehotdelancey]

hhahah funny!

Ive got some jokes from my physics teacher.

" Youre mom is so fat that objects accelerate toward her at 9.8 meters per second squared!"
How do you tittilate an ocelot? You Oscillate its tit a lot!
Gawsh I love that class!

[riverhead]

Take the doctor's office approach. Think about it...


When you go for a shot, what do they do first?

Clean your arm with alcohol.

*Why?*


Because alcohol kills germs.

So......

I walk to the liquor store (Exercise).

I put lime in my Corona (Fruit).

Celery in my Bloody Mary (Veggie).

Drink outdoor at the patio bar (Fresh Air).

Get drunk, tell jokes, laugh (Relieve Stress).

Then pass out (Rest).

The way I see it.... If you keep your alcohol levels
up, flu germs can't get you!!!!

Cheers!

Remember, It's always five o'clock somewhere :)

I'm with ya brother!

[Shamrock]

NAVY
MARINES
ARMY
AIR FORCE

Head
Head
Latrine
Powder Room

Rack
Rack
Cot
A Single with Ruffle and Duvet

Chow Hall
Mess Hall
Mess Hall
Café

Dungarees
Utilities
BDUs
Casual Wear

Seaman
Marine
Private
Bobby or Jimmy

Chief
Gunny
Sergeant
Bob or Jim

Captain
Colonel
Colonel
Robert or James

Captain's Mast
Office Hours
Article 15
Time Out

Billets
Barracks
Barracks
Dormitory

Skivvies
Skivvies
Underwear
Lingerie

Thrown in the Brig
Thrown in the Brig
Put in Confinement Facility
Grounded

[thehotdelancey]

"On Christmas Eve, Michael Jackson will be visited by a ghost who takes him on a journey to christmas past. Unfortunately, Jackson will use the trip as an excuse to fondle himself as a child!"

"It's been reported that Michael Jackson is in so much debt he was recently forced to sell his Neverland Ranch for $35 million. Not only that, it's going to cost another $35 million to get rid of that new boy smell."

"This week in the Michael Jackson case, prosecutors presented Michael's phone records. Apparently, the records reveal that Michael repeatedly calls the department of child services to ask if they deliver."

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, an accountant testified that Michael is in debt for 280 million dollars. Michael knew he was out of money when he looked out his window and saw a 'repo' man riding away on his giraffe."

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, one of Michael's lawyers was overheard calling the accuser's family an anti-Mexican slur. After hearing the slur, Michael was furious and said, 'Hey, I used to be a minority.'"

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson tirial, two men testified that when they were younger Michael Jackson never touched either one of them. However, the men did say they were recently fondled by Paula Abdul."

"This week, two of Michael Jackson's lawyers go into an embarrassing shouting match in the parking lot of the courthouse. Apparently, the two lawyers were acting so childish Michael started hitting on them."

"The other day at the Michael Jackson trial, it was revealed that one of the items in Michael's bedroom is a life size replica of C3PO from Star Wars. Jackson's C3PO looks just like the one in the movie except his is bent over at the waist"

"Earlier today in Los Angeles, Michael Jackson showed up really late to court because he claims he has a sore back. When asked about it, Michael said, 'Sorry, I slept on a really lumpy 12-year old.'"

"Earlier today, Michael Jackson appeared in court wearing pajama bottoms. Because if there's one thing you want to wear to a molestation trial, it's pajama bottoms."

"Yesterday at the Michael Jackson trial, there was testimony from the accuser's younger brother. As a result, Michael was furious saying, 'No one told me he had a younger brother.'"

[GTOcharger]

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man,"And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman :D

[GTOcharger]

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you're a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole." He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th." Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, "Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help." He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, "If I told you, you would only laugh."

"No, I wouldn't," he said.

She said, "I sell tampons."

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, "See, I knew you would laugh."

"That's not what I'm laughing at," he replied. "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm STILL one hole behind you!" :D

[GTOcharger]

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "I guess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman.

"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made your toes curl," he explains.

"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take off my pantyhose first." ;)

[GTOcharger]

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed.

The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.

Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing..." "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No....."

"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

[TrabucoWR]

Not really racial, just funny because it's true.

What do you call a Black guy being chased by 300 white guys?










The PGA Tour;)

[TD4LT]

:Beer: what word starts with f. and ends with u.c.k
























firetruck :Beer:

[LTfan4life]

:Beer: what word starts with f. and ends with u.c.k

firetruck :Beer:


Hah! I was thinking faidersuck :p

[broncossuck7]

:Beer: what word starts with f. and ends with u.c.k
























firetruck :Beer:


Faiders SUck!

[broncossuck7]

Not really racial, just funny because it's true.

What do you call a Black guy being chased by 300 white guys?










The PGA Tour;)


funny crap dean

[broncossuck7]

Hey, this is ME !!!

Top 10 Reasons to Know You're a Redneck

1. Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
2. You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
3. You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
4. You've never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
5. You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.
6. You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.
7. You have driven off the road while examining your neighbors crops.
8. You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.
9. You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.
10. You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.







number 11- your a broncos fan

[Jamico7]

Not really racial, just funny because it's true.

What do you call a Black guy being chased by 300 white guys?










The PGA Tour;)

How about these ones....

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 5 black guys?
















A basketball coach.

What do you call a white guy surrounded by 10 black guys?
















A quarterback.

[Chargeroo]

An Old Farmer's Advice:


* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight
and bull-strong.


* Keep skunks ,bankers, and lawyers at a
distance.


* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a
John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner
than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a
grudge.


* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't
never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best
answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get
older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't
botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a
rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever
have to deal with, watches
you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a
lotta that comes from bad judgment.


* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot
easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some
influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.
Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

[Chargeroo]

Prison or Work:

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers

[vietdunker]

Prison or Work:

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK............you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ...........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON .you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers


Oiyyy! oiyy! dont make prison that easy of a place to live in.

The first thing you'll get is being somebody * when you get into prison. You have no freedom whatsoever in prison but at work you only have to work 8 hours per day; 5 days per week. The rest of the time off work you can go anywhere you want and do anything you want.

[ftwbolt]

A man, his wife and his cranky mother-in-law went on vacation to the
Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.

The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or
you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."

The man thought about it for awhile and told the undertaker he would
just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why....why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150?".

The man said, "A man died here about 2005 years ago. He was buried here
and three days later he rose from the dead.

I just can't take that chance."

[TrabucoWR]

Why did the woman cross the road?














Who cares, what the hell is she doing out of the kitchen?

[Nutz-N-Boltz]

The Law is the Law
This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan
Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan.
This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you
get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20;
Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality
that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced
parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or
contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet
stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this
type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits
have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in
violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource
and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994,
being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws,
annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially
failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and mflooding at
downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently
hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to
cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the
stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the
dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no
later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that
a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to
comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site
may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We
anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.
Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District Representative Land and Water
Management Division




** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.




Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to.
I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,
Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet
stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor
supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that
you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I
would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam
project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state
there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam
resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam
determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must
first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam
activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do
you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam
request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through
the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those
other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will
see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland

That is too DAM funny!!!

Peace Out

[wyattearp65]

LMAO, I would like to see the big shot who originally sent the letter's face when he read the reply,thats too funny!! :D

[ftwbolt]

Two men were driving through Texas when they got pulled over by a
State Trooper. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolled down the window and WHACK, the cop smacked him in
the head with his nightstick.
"What the h*ll was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Texas, son," the trooper answered. "When we pull you over
in Texas, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your
car."
"I'm sorry, officer," the driver said, "I'm not from around here."
The trooper runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives
the guy his license back. The trooper then walks around to the passenger side
and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and"WHACK",
the trooper smacks him on the head with the nightstick.
"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands.
"Just making your wish come true," replied the trooper.
"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.
"Because I know your type," the trooper says, "two miles down the
road you're gonna turn to your buddy and say, 'I wish that *******
would've tried that s*** with me!'

[wyattearp65]

LMAO good one!!

[Chargeroo]

Detroit is quite a football town. On a Sunday when a big game was scheduled, our usually crowded church was almost empty. Before the service ended, our priest surveyed the congregation. "Well," he said, "it looks like the Lions are beating the Christians once again."

[TemeculaMike]

hhahah funny!

Ive got some jokes from my physics teacher.

" Youre mom is so fat that objects accelerate toward her at 9.8 meters per second squared!"
How do you tittilate an ocelot? You Oscillate its tit a lot!
Gawsh I love that class!

Astronomer/Physicist's Bumper Sticker:

If this bumper sticker is blue
You are going to fast!!!

[Shamrock]

An 80-year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun."

The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.

Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No."

The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear." "That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

[ftwbolt]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth

$49.00.


With Enron,

you would have had

$16.50

left of the original $1,000.00.

-

With WorldCom,

you would have had less than

$5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00
worth of Beer one year ago,
drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had

$214.00.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan

[Infernus]

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

__________________________________________________ __

A man goes into a gun shop for a telescopic rifle sight. The assistant takes one out, points out the window and says: "This baby is so good, you can see right into my house on that hill way over there." The man looks through the sight at the house and starts laughing.
"What's so funny?" asks the assistant.
"Well, I can see a naked man chasing a naked woman around your house," replies the customer.
Snatching the 'scope back, the assistant cranes his eye through the sight and sure enough, there is his wife, naked, being hotly pursued by an excited young man. Furious, the assistant says to the man, "If I give you two bullets, will you blow my wife's head off with one and take the man's dick out with the other? I'll give you the telescopic sight for free if you do." "Okay," the man says, as he takes out his rifle and attacks the sight. Taking a quick look through it before loading, he hands one bullet back. "You know what?" he says. "I think I can do this with just one shot."

[BCBoltFan]

If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth

$49.00.


With Enron,

you would have had

$16.50

left of the original $1,000.00.

-

With WorldCom,

you would have had less than

$5.00 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00
worth of Beer one year ago,
drank all the beer,
then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling REFUND,
you would have had

$214.00.

-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0-0

Based on the above, current investment advice is to drink heavily and
recycle.

It's called the 401-Keg Plan
Keg-r Keg-r http://gifs.bestgraph.com/personnages/s_heureux/s_heureux-02.gif

[Shamrock]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs
Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure
that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense...

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop
sign ."

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License
and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete
stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between
slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you
give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts
beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says:

"Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

[boltbacker_ed]

One day an Indian Chief and his son were taking a stroll in the woods and the little son asked his father " Father why do you call mother White Blossom?"
The Chief said " My son when I was walking in a field I saw the most beautiful flower that had blossomed so I call your mother by that name because she reminds me of that beauty." Then the little boy asked. " Father why do you call my brother racing star?" The father replied. " My son when your brother was born I saw a shooting star in the night so I called him racing star." Why do you ask Two dogs screwing ? :D

[Nospin]

A Sailor, a Marine and a Soldier

A Sailor, a Marine and a Soldier were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional – “ But" said the Sailor. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in New York there's a little bar called Feeney's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

Well." said the Marine "At my local, the Red Lion, the barkeep there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Soldier, "Back home in Akron there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Sailor and Marine immediately pour scorn on the Soldier's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Marine "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not myself personally no" said the Soldier, "But it did happen to my girlfriend."

[ftwbolt]

The best (or worst) titles for country songs
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Otta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
3. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
4. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
5. I Can't Get Over You, So Why Don't You Get Under Me?
6. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
7. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
8. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
9. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run, So I Figure We Got An Even Deal
10. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
11. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
12. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better
13. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
14. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonite
15. I'm So Miser'ble Without You, It's Like Having You Here
16. I've Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back While I Cry Over You
17. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
18. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
19. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus
20. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
21. Please Bypass this Heart
22. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
23. You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

[Chargeroo]

An old Italian Don is dying and he calls his beloved grandson to his bed.

"You lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an lissin.

Somma day you gonna runna da business, you gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna coma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man.

"Whadda you gonna do then...... pointa to your watch anda say, Times Up?"

[Shamrock]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old Texas rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"


The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that bull came home this morning.

[Shamrock]

a mess of - unit of mass

dern near - almost

et - as in "I et to much attha barberque, Myrtle"

Plumb - totally

goshdawg - exclaimation

dawg - four legged animal found under the porch

dawggonnit - exclaimation of frustration

high tail it - go at a rapid speed

hit the road - leave

hollard - yaled

didjya ever - have you ever

Wanna - want to.

Smackdab inda middlof - directly in the middle

Shootfire - of course

auda do - should do

aughten to - ought not to

a spell - come on over a visit a spell (a while)

dadgumit - curse word of exasperation

a fur piece - measure of distance

Where 'bouts you from? - What is your hometown

Howdja git here? - reason for ones relocation

Mosey on down--walkin' in that direction.

gotta skeedaddle lickety split--have to leave "right soon."

A hoot and a holler - close

Zackly - precisely. "I don't know zackly where in Texas darlin' Rhonda hails from."

Zat-is that? "Zat yo dawg? He's the spittin' image of you!"

Yo-possessive of you. "What's yo name, sweetheart."

Continya-continue. "Let's continya "speakin' suthun." This shore is fun!

Gimme-give me. "Gimme smore biscuits smothered in gravy."

Ail-sick or ill. "Gimme smore ale so I can cure what's ailing me."

Bad off-in real bad shape. "Jim Bob's in the hospital and boy is real bad off! He didn't even recognize his dawg!!!"

Beholden--indebted to. "I'm right beholden to ya for loaning me that thar huntin' dawg."

Cheer--furniture used for setting. "Pull yourself up that thar cheer and setchursef down for a spell."

Shore 'nuff--sure enough.

Drank--a drink. "Wanna drank somethin'?"

Get by with--to get away with. "Bobbie Sue will never let you get by with that farfetched story."

Figger--figure. "Peggy Sue's got a great figger!!!!"

Jest--just. "Jest married."

Skeeters and chiggers-damn bugs that annoy the "hale" out of a person.

Nuf - Nuf said (enough)

Earl - Hair Earl, Motor Earl (oil), Radio Earl (aerial).

Eyetalian - my daughter is marrin' that Eyetalian (Italian) fellow.

Didji - Didji know or didji hear (did you)

Pony-ac - I'm going to buy me a brand new Pony-ac (Pontiac).

Yeller - I going to buy me a brand new yeller (yellow) pony-ac.

Auta (should)-"I auta go to work but ahm tared."

Barn (born)-"I was barn in Texas."

Ded (not alive)-"He ded."

Suppah (supper)--Suppah comes after dinnah.

Catchup--Pass the catchup so I can catch up with ya.

Ain'tcha (aren't you)--Ain'tcha goin' to ask me to dance?

fixin': A'm fixin to quit this silly stuff

[Shamrock]

Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State...

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person

Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy

Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action

We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink

She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker

It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving

This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y

They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin

Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told

As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart

You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing

[Shamrock]

What's the real difference between a Yankee Zoo and a Texas Zoo?

On the cage, a Yankee Zoo will have the name of the animal and then the scientific name in Latin.

Whereas, a Texas Zoo will have the name of the animal and the recipe.....!

[Shamrock]

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student
from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from
Oklahoma.
"Elation," she said.
"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the
opposite of woe?"
The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'."

[geekster]

(With apologies to blondes everywhere -=dave=-)

She was Soooooooo Blonde .

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company !

[Totally Bolted]

A bachelor tried to take a vacation every summer. He was a golf nut and spent two weeks at Hilton Head. Last summer he met a woman out there and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship. They agreed that total honesty was important so there would be "no surprises" later that would destroy their love. "It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now." "Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker." "I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[riverhead]

(With apologies to blondes everywhere -=dave=-)

She was Soooooooo Blonde .

* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius."

She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."

She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.

She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde...

She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company !

Hey..Hey.. what's the big idea? Really.. I don't get it.:confused: ;)

[ftwbolt]

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give
you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How
about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.
__________________________________________________ ____
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years."

But man said:"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
__________________________________________________ ____
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[GrbgCllctr]

Now that was clever! LOL

On the first day, God created the dog and said:
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or
walks past.
For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give
you back the other ten?"

So God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh.
For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How
about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"

And God agreed.
__________________________________________________ ____
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family.
For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said:"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again.
__________________________________________________ ____
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty
years."

But man said:"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the
forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog
gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
__________________________________________________ ____
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves.
For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

[ftwbolt]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."


2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."


7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."



9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - she is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."


HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."


3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ***" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."


10. He is not h*****" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."
__________________

[CHKChargers]

LOL, these jokes are funny. ;)

[CHKChargers]

Well some of them are funny.

[wilrab]

A bodybuilder is standing in front of a mirror checking out his physique. He is happy with how he looks except he wants a full-body tan. He has always been too shy to go to a nude beach so he comes up with an alternative plan.

He goes down to the beach and buries himself in the sand leaving his privates sticking out. Well along come two old ladies strolling down the beach and one of them notices. She points it out to her friend and says "doesn't that just figure."

"When I was 20 I was afraid of them."

"When I was 30 I enjoyed them."

"When I was 40 I didn't get enough of them."

"When I was 50 I forgot about them."

"And now that I'm 60, the damn things are growing wild!"





.

[Totally Bolted]

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, You know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercing's and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

[Totally Bolted]

Panchito and Pedro worked together and both were laid off, so they went

to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Pancho answered, Panty

Stitcher. I sew da elastic on da ladies' cotton panties."



The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as "unskilled

labor", she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.



Pedro was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel

fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Pedro $600 a week.



When Panchito found out, he was furious. He stormed back into the office

to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.



The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled labor but diesel

fitters are skilled."



"What skill?" yelled Panchito. "I sew the elastic on da panties, then

Pedro puts dem over his head and says, "Yeah, diesel fitter."

[Totally Bolted]

An AMERICAN tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and
explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture,
chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. After a while, he finds
himself in a very high-class area. big, stately residences... no
pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

He really, really has to go, after all those pints of Guinness. He
finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent
buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is
unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobbie, who says, "I say, sir,
you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really,
really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

"Oh, yes," said the Bobbie, "Just follow me". He leads him to a back
"delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In
there," points the Bobbie. "Whiz away SIR, anywhere you want."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he
has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured
hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.
As he goes back through the gate, he says to the Bobbie "That was
really decent of you... is that what you call "British Hospitality?"



"No sir", replied the Bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy!!!"

[ftwbolt]

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v221/ftwbolt/story.jpg

[Boltfan92153]

Talk about bad luck!

[Totally Bolted]

This story is pretty funny.http://www.bol.ucla.edu/~lturner/Sooty.jpg

[#1 Queifs hater]

hahaha some of these are realy funny:D:):D

[Riversrat]

9 Things I hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?



2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.



3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?



4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!



5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.



6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?



7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.



8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?



9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[ftwbolt]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where

the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't

speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.


After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right


so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows

on her right.


A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family

grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.


Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her,

then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.


A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma,

you're looking good! How are they treating you?"


Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the

nephew..."They won't let me fart."


When I'm 100, if I lean a little, let me!

[ftwbolt]

14 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their
sweet time:


1. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

2. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest
rooms.

3. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone,
'Code
3' in housewares..... and see what happens.

4. Go the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.

5. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6 . Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers
you'll invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding
department.

7. When a clerk ask s if they can help you, begin to cry and ask
'Why
can't you people just leave me alone?'

8 . Look right into the security camera; use it as a mirror, and
pick
your nose.

9. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if
he
knows where the anti-depressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission
Impossible" theme.

11. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using
different size funnels.

12. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say
"PICK
ME! PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the
fetal
position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

(And last but not least!)

14. Go into a fitting room and shut the door and wait a while; and,
then, yell, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[Shamrock]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows
that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
don't give penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
our community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
ou that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I
had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what
in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

[Shamrock]

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit.

Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.

A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops of down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands,"What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says...

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, adds permanent wave."

[Shamrock]

Three sisters – aged 92, 94, and 96 – live in a house together. One night the 96-year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94-year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells, "Was I going up or coming down the stairs?"

The 92-year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then yells up, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door"

[Shamrock]

Dear friends, it is with the saddest heart that I have to pass on the following:

The Pillsbury Doughboy died Monday of a severe yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded".

Doughboy rose quickly in show business but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even as a crusty old man, he was considered a roll model for millions.

Toward the end it was thought he'd rise once again, but he was no tart. Doughboy is survived by his second wife, Play Dough. They have two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

[Shamrock]

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper. "You were speeding," the cop said. "I'm going to have to give you a ticket."

"Yep," the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

"These flies sure are terrible," the trooper complained.

"Yep," the farmer said. "Them are circle flies."

"What's a circle fly?"

"Them flies that circle a horse's tail," answered the farmer. "Them are circle flies."

The trooper angrily asked, "Are you calling me a horse's rear?"

"Nope, I didn't," the farmer replied. "But you just can't fool them flies."

[Shamrock]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."

"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.

No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.

"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

[Shamrock]

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psychopath.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroid's.

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Johnson's in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with .. the other is used to carry groceries.

A guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck.
The bartender says, "All right, I'll let ya stay---but don't start nuthin."

Charlie Manson is sitting before the parole board. He says, "Is it hot in here or am I crazy?"

Did you hear about the Amish woman who wanted a divorce?
Her husband was driving her buggy.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

What's the different between a Jehovah's Witness and a Yugo?
You can slam the door on a Jehovah's Witness.

[Shamrock]

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

[BCBoltFan]

A Baptist minister was seated next to a Newfie (Canadian red-neck) on a flight. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a Lambs rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!" The Newfie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

[Shamrock]

A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for engineer brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for programmer brain?"

"Four dollars an ounce."

"How much for lawyer brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"

[ftwbolt]

The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer.

So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows
that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you
don't give penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to
our community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show
ou that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge
medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I didn't know that."

"Secondly," says the lawyer, "my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children."

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a
dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children one of whom is disabled and another has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm sorry, I
had no idea"

And the lawyer says, "So... if I didn't give any money to them, what
in the hell makes you think I'd ever give any to you?"

Did you have a certain Lawyer in mind when you posted that. :D

[Shamrock]

A couple of them .... :D

[ftwbolt]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:
40-ish.................49
Adventurous.......................Slept with everyone
Athletic......................................No tits
Average looking..................................Ugly
Beautiful...................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile..................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure......................On medication
Feminist.......................................... Fat
Free spirit....................................Junkie
Friendship first..........................Former S*l*
Fun.........................................Annoyi ng
New-Age......Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.................................Desperate
Outgoing..Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate...............................Sloppy drunk
Professional....................................B* *ch
Voluptuous.Very Fat
Large frame................................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker

DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

DICTIONARY OF MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Shamrock]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.





1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.



CONCLUSION:



Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[ftwbolt]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high
school
diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in
their jobs.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe
sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and
then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let
it
be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots
(marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an
accident.

+++


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

+++

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

+++

P: Something loose in ****pit.
S: Something tightened in ****pit.

+++

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

+++

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

+++

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

+++

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

+++

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

+++

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

+++

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

+++

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

+++

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

+++

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

+++

P: Mouse in ****pit.
S: Cat installed.

+++

And the best one for last..................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[TD4LT]

Eli Manning

The Kansas City Chiefs

Mike Shanahan

Denver Broncos

[MoveitMister]

DICTIONARY OF WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?


Damn it!
Get out of our minds!!!
:Beer:

[ftwbolt]

Damn it!
Get out of our minds!!!
:Beer:

I stop doing that a long time ago. :D

[sonsofkraftybob]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face"?

[BCBoltFan]

A blonde was sitting on the train reading the newspaper.
The headline blared, "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed".
She shook her head at the sad news, then turned to the
guy next to her and asked, "how many is a brazilian?"

[Capfan]

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Why the long face"?


Scottie Pippen walks into a bar

The bartender says "why the long face"?

[ftwbolt]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.

He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"




















The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

[ftwbolt]

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside.

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn
upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron --"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication."

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use
only."?????

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your
hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[mtxsound]

Scottie Pippen walks into a bar

The bartender says "why the long face"?
.

Sorry cuz its natural?

[mtxsound]

A blonde walks into a dairy...

She says i want to take a bath in milk, to cleanse my skin, and to relax quite a bit.....

So, the dairyman asks how much milk do you want?

"How much milk does it take to fill my bathtub?" the blonde asks questioningly...

"Typically 30 gallons," the dairyman estimated.

"Ok." She replied.

" Would you like it pasteurized?" the dairyman asked.

" No, past my knees will be fine!!" she replied.

Sorry, I grew up on a dairy.


:Bolt: :Bolt: :Bolt:

[ftwbolt]

A man walks into a HUMMER dealership. He browses around, then spots the truck of his dreams and walks over to inspect it.

As he bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a small fart escapes him. Extremely embarrassed, he looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed his little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right then.

But, as he turns back, there standing next to him, is a salesman.
"Good day, Sir, how may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, he asks, "Sir, what is the price of this manly vehicle?

The salesman answers, "Sir, I'm afraid I can't say.... If you farted
just touching it... you're going to $&!t when you hear the price."

[ftwbolt]

1.My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM."Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. You weren't born in a barn"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[Chargeroo]

Gabriel went to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to you.
We have some Texans up here who are causing problems....
They're swinging on the pearly gates, my horn is missing,
and they are wearing T-shirts instead of robes; there's
barbecue sauce and picante sauce everywhere, especially all
over their T-shirts; their dogs are riding in the chariots
and chasing the sheep; they're wearing baseball caps and
cowboy hats instead of their halos."


"They refuse to keep the stairway to Heaven clean and their
boots are marking and scratching up the halls of wisdom.
There are watermelon seeds and pig feet bones all over the
place. Some of them are walking around with just one wing;
they refuse to walk and they insist on bringing their horses
with them."


The Lord said, "Texans are Texans, Gabriel. Heaven is Home
to all my children. If you want to know about real problems,
call the Devil."


So Gabriel calls the Devil who answers the phone and says,
""Hello--- hold on a minute."


When he returns to the phone the Devil says, "O.K., I'm
back. What can I do for you?"


Gabriel replied, "I just want to know what kind of problems
you're having down there with Texans."


The Devil said, "Hold on again. I need to check on
something." After about 5 minutes the Devil returned to the
phone and said, "I'm back. Now what was the question?"


Gabriel said, "What kind of problems are you having down
there with the Texans?"


The Devil said, "Man, I don't believe this...hold on."


This time the Devil was gone 15 minutes and when he returns
he says, "I'm sorry Gabriel, I can't talk right now. Those
Texans have put out the fire and are trying to install air
conditioning."

[ftwbolt]

1.---The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.


2.---You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.


3.---You're been married three times and still have the same in-laws.


4.---You think a woman who is "out-of-your-league" bowls on a different night.


5.---Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people."


6.---You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.


7.---Anyone in your family ever died right after saying: "Hey, watch this."


8.---You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.


9.---Your junior prom had a daycare.


10.---Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.


11.---You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are: "Gentlemen, start your engines."


12.---You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.


13.---The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.


14.---You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.


15.---One of your kids was born on a pool table.


16.---You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.


17.---You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.


18.---You think "loaded dishwasher" means your wife is drunk.


19.---Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.


20.---Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs