Jokes

[Chargeroo]

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add
emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He put four worms into
four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of semen.

The fourth worm was put into a jar of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported
the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.

Third worm in semen - dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

The minister asked the congregation - "What can we learn
from this demonstration?"

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand
and said; "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex,
you won't have worms."

[Chargeroo]

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic.

Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt."
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and while wearing the bright garment he led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates.


Later on, the lookout again spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates.

That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: "Sir, why do you call foryour red shirt before battle?"
The captain replied: "If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid."All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly man's man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all
stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply.


Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned and calmly said:

-

-

-

-

-

"Quick, get me my brown pants."

[Shamrock]

G. W. Bush and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Kerry in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Kerry was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife Theresa will smell that and think I've been in a brothel.

The second barber turned to Bush and said, "How about you?"

Bush replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like"

[Triknique]

A small East Texas Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became impatient, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, part time intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Ed had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy any female. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to do the do with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

"First," he said. "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want her to wear protection." The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Ed. "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[rule12b]

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None, it should be open when she brings it to you.


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't, there's a clock on the oven.

[Electron]

Two guys walk into a room. They look down and see a dog licking his private parts.

The first guys says to the second guy, "Man, I wish I could do that!"

And the second guys says, "Don't you think you should at least pet him first?"

[ftwbolt]

George Carlin's Views On Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is
when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you
think in fractions.
"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"

You're never thirty-six and a half.
You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number ... or even a few ahead.
"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!"
You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life ... you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30.
Oooohh .what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad milk.
He TURNED; we had to throw him out.

There's no fun now.
You're just a sour-dumpling.
What's wrong?
What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa!
Put on the brakes .. it's all slipping away.
Before you know it, you REACH 50 .. and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!!
You MAKE IT to 60.
You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE IT to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70!
After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle;
you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there
Into the 90s, you start going backwards ...
"I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.
"I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
.
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers.

This includes age, weight and height.
Let the doctors worry about them.
That is why you pay "them!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends.
The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning.

Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever.
Never let the brain idle.
"An idle mind is the devil's workshop."
And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
.
4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often . long and loud.

Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.

Endure, grieve, and move on.
The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves.
Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love ..

whether it's ... family, pets, keepsakes,
music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health.

If it is good, preserve it.
If it is unstable, improve it.
If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips.
Take a trip to the mall ... even to the next county .
to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them .
at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.

But do share this with someone.
We all need to live life to its fullest each day.

Life is not a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely
in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside,
thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaiming

"WOW -- What a Ride!"

[rule12b]

This guy and his blond girlfriend are walking along when suddenly a pigeon craps on the guy's head.

"Aw hell," he says to his girlfriend, "get me some toilet paper".

"Why?" she says, "That pigeon is at least a half mile away by now".

[MoveitMister]

Jokes aren't my strong point, so here goes......

A little boy walks up to his dad and asks, 'If big dogs can have little dogs and big cats can have little cats why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?'

The father, reading the paper, told his son, 'I don't know, but one day when we go to the airport you can ask a pilot.'

True to his word, the father and son went to the airport to pick up grandma on her next visit. The little boy even brought along one of his toy airplanes to amuse himself with.

While waiting for the plane to arrive a pilot walked off a plane and was headed to the lounge when the little boy spotted him and tore off after him. He yelled, 'Mr. Pilot! Mr. Pilot!'

The tired pilot who'd just finished a coast to coast run wanted nothing more than to relax and have a drink before heading to his hotel to sleep.

He stopped and fumbled around in his pocket to give the little boy a set of pilots wings and said, 'Hello, young man. What can I help you with?'

'My Daddy told me next time we came to the airport I could ask a real live pilot a question. Can I, huh?'

Expecting to discuss the merits of aviation, he said, 'Of course you can ask a question, what do you want to know?'

The little boy took a deep breath and belted his question out in one blast, at the top of his lungs. 'If big dogs can have little dogs and big cats can have little cats why don't big airplanes have little airplanes?'

The pilot, somewhat exasperated, looks down at the little boy and says, Son, where's your Father?'

With his Dad walking up behind him, the little boy pointed back at his father and said, 'That's him comin now.'

The pilot knelt down and pinned the wings on the little boy's shirt and whispered, 'You tell your Daddy this just as loud as you asked me your question. The reason big airplanes don't have little airplanes is because American Airlines always pulls out in time!'

He ruffled the boys hair and strode away before the unsuspecting father got an earful. [img]i/expressions/face-icon-small-wink.gif[/img]

[squabble]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Jack Daniels and women with big breasts."