If men ruled the world.

[Johndbr]

If men ruled the world.
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Your anual raise would be based on the performance of your NFL Football team.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the butt and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

Garbage would take itself out.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history. {ok this one is old, but still funny }

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

Instead of "beer belly", you'd get "beer biceps".

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Two words "Ally McNaked".

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart aleck answer you respond with would actually reduce your fine.
As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said "You're #1!".

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time out.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to "I love you".

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night", would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

Please post your own takes too

[Electron]

The Real Man Test

Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions. In understanding this and carefully reviewing the "C" answer, women will come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly
sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the
entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart.


2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs.


3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.


4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats.


5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a
football game; she's reading the newspaper when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Chargers called a draw play on third and seventeen.


6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what?


7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're enrolled in school already?"

C. "There are three of them, right?"


8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but this would be the wife) is quietly trying to discard his
underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her).


9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for

[Bolts4Life21]

The first was hilarious, and I loved number 5 and 8 on the second one. Truly hilarious. Good job guys. I couldn't have come up with that stuff. HAhahahah!!!!!!!

[Bolt4Life]

Had to bump one of my favorite threads