sapp warrant issused
ARREST WARRANT ISSUED FOR WARREN SAPP
The District Attorney's office of Oakland, California announced today that an arrest warrant has been sworn out for Oakland Raider's player Warren Sapp. Phil McCrackin, the Oakland D.A., made this announcement at the Hostess Bakery in downtown Oakland during a press conference today.
"It has come to the attention of the District Attorney's office that Warren Sapp is in violation of the State of California's Twinkie Abuse policy, and the fat police from Jenny Craig have sworn out a warrant for his arrest with my office.", McCrackin stated. He further stated that all calls from fans of Sapp's would be handled by his personal assistant. Stated McCrackin "I will be too busy to take calls about this case. They will be handled by my assistant. So if you are a fan, and want to protest the arrest and conviction of Mr. Sapp, please go to Helen Waite, my assistant."
Several officials at the Hostess Bakery are also under indictment by the District Attorney's office for aiding and abetting Mr. Sapp in these incidents. The DA told reporters that his office has both audio and video evidence of these representatives making deals on semi-loads of Twinkies and other Hostess products, and arranging their clandestine delivery at Mr. Sapp's home. Executives from Hostess could not be reached for comment.
In another twist in this story, the National Football League has also disclosed that Sapp has failed two of the league's random cream filling tests, and therefore is in violation of the league's cream filling abuse policy. League officials are contemplating suspenion of Sapp from all future NFL banquets, and possibly sentencing Sapp to a year on the Adkins diet. League officials gave the following statement "It appears that since his rapid decline while with Tampa Bay, and his subsequent trade the the Raiders, Mr. Sapp has really started to suck, and evidence shows that his sucking of choice is the cream filling of a long, yellow Twinkie. The levels of cream filling in his system are 300 times the allowable limits set by the league, and that's something that the league will address once Mr. Sapp is brought to justice.'
As of press time, Mr. Sapp was still at large, and local residents were warned to lock their pantries, stay indoors, and not go near any displays of Hostess Twinkies or other dessert items in their local stores that could be stampeded by Mr. Sapp without warning. Mr. Sapp is considered flabby and slow by authorities, who also warned citizens to not try and apprehend Mr. Sapp without a crane or tow truck.
Calls to Warren Sapp, his attorney, and Hostess officials were not returned as of press time.
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12-29-2004, 07:41 PM
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